Take the Extra Minute: Keep It Real — Not Paranormal

Posted on 2025-10-17 by The Narrator

Halloween is that time of year when the nights grow long, the air turns crisp and people go looking for a good scare. It’s a time to face the terrifying, defeat the sinister and prove you’re fearless, often under the cloak of night. There’s something thrilling about standing in the dark, heart racing, as your imagination fills in the shadows. For many young adults, the thrill-seeking adrenaline rush lures them out into the night: exploring shadowy places, chasing urban legends or sneaking into old “haunted” sites. But when that search for a thrill leads to dangerous places, the story can turn real and tragic in an instant. The real danger out there isn’t the supernatural. It’s physical and it’s all too real.

Every Halloween, people sneak past fences, hike out to ghost towns or step inside abandoned buildings, chasing the thrill of the unknown. It’s a kind of rite of passage, until something gives way beneath their feet or the cold, damp air turns toxic.

The truth is simple: the real danger out there isn’t supernatural. It’s structural, environmental and physical. #TakeTheExtraMinute is a reminder that haunting rescues we face aren’t ghost stories. They’re tragedies caused by a moment of poor judgment.

Old Buildings Aren’t Haunted — They’re Just Hazardous

That groan from the rafters isn’t a ghost. It’s rotted timber. The cold wind through the cracks isn’t a spirit. It’s structural failure. The creak underfoot isn’t an apparition. It’s a decaying floor ready to give way. Condemned structures are condemned for a reason. Weakened floors, rusted rebar, exposed wiring and unstable foundations turn these places into real hazards. Abandoned buildings can contain toxic mold, asbestos or hazardous chemicals that are invisible, but deadly. One wrong step could send you through a floor or pin you under debris. And when that happens, calling for help might not even be possible. Those chain-link fences that were meant to keep people out also make it harder for rescuers to get in.

Abandoned Mines: A Breath of Air Could Be Your Last

Old mines hold a powerful kind of mystery — dark tunnels, cold air and the sense that something ancient lives below. They may look like portals to another world, but they’re more like traps. What actually lurks there is far more dangerous than any ghost story. Hidden vertical shafts can drop hundreds of feet. Air pockets can be filled with toxic gases or have no oxygen at all. Walls and ceilings crumble with age and vibration. Water pools quickly, creating hidden sumps and unstable, slick surfaces deep inside. And once you step inside, your GPS, cell phone and radio are as useless as your flashlight when the batteries die. Old mines are some of the most dangerous places in the backcountry. Rescuers call these places “vertical tombs” for a reason. There’s nothing ghostly about an abandoned mine. It’s just deadly.

Cemeteries: Respect the Dead, Protect the Living

Cemeteries might seem like a classic Halloween destination, but they deserve respect, not midnight trespassers. Cemeteries have long been tied to Halloween lore — quiet, eerie and full of stories. But wandering into one after dark isn’t just disrespectful. It’s unsafe. Uneven ground, toppled headstones, hidden irrigation lines and sunken plots create tripping and twisting hazards, especially in the dark. A nighttime fall among headstones can easily turn a ghost hunt into a 911 call. And beyond safety, there’s a matter of decency: these are resting places, not adventure parks.

Caves: Nature’s Darkness Isn’t a Playground

There’s something irresistible about caves — the cool air, the echo of your voice, the total blackness. They’re mysterious, quiet and tempting. But caving requires training, equipment and backup lighting and often a permit to enter. Once inside, it’s easy to lose orientation, light or footing. Even experienced cavers know that without proper lights, mapping and communication, you can get disoriented fast. One wrong turn, one dead flashlight and you’re suddenly living a real-life horror story that will turn a casual exploration into an overnight survival ordeal. And cave rescues are slow, technical and dangerous for everyone involved. Cold, dark and claustrophobic — it’s not an adventure you want to experience. Bats can handle the dark. You can’t.

Ghost Towns: History Has Teeth

Ghost towns and mining camps are favorite Halloween destinations, especially in the West. But those scenic ruins hide open shafts, unstable walls, orphaned mines, open wells, septic hazards and other long-forgotten dangers. Many are on private property, where trespassing brings both legal trouble and safety risks. These aren’t Hollywood movie sets — they’re artifacts from a rougher, riskier time, relics of a period when safety codes didn’t exist.

If You Want a Scare, Keep It Safe

If it’s an adrenaline dump you’re after, there’s no shame in getting it at the local charity haunted house or corn maze. Let the actor wearing the werewolf mask and carrying a chainsaw make you scream. That’s their job. It beats the absolute nightmare of having to call for search and rescue at the witching hour or worse, having us perform a body recovery.

As daylight fades and Halloween approaches, remember: the most haunting rescues we face aren’t ghost stories — they’re preventable accidents. So before you chase that thrill, #TakeTheExtraMinute before the darkness falls. Be fearless, but be smart, and you’ll live to tell your own spooky tales. Check your surroundings, know where you’re going and leave the “haunts” to the silver screen.

Stay safe. Stay smart. And keep it real — not paranormal.

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The Bittersweet Truth About Chocolate: From Bean to Bunk

Posted on 2025-10-12 by The Narrator

Chocolate, the ultimate comfort food. We’ve all been there: devouring a whole bar in one sitting, hiding the evidence from our significant others, then pretending we’re surprised when those extra pounds magically appear. But have you ever stopped to think about what you’re really putting in your body? I mean, aside from the obvious sugar coma.

A friend of mine recently brought white chocolate to a party under the proud banner of “It’s healthier than dark chocolate!” That’s the kind of statement that makes nutritionists clutch their kale and chocolatiers break out in hives.

The Identity Crisis of White Chocolate

Let’s start by setting the record straight: white chocolate is made of cocoa butter, milk solids and sugar and maybe a few other things to make it taste less like a wax candle. Basically, the buttery fat from the cocoa bean is mixed with sweet dairy fluff. Think of it this way: cocoa solids are the soul of the bean. Without them, you’ve got a pale imposter. Cocoa butter gives white chocolate the technical right to be called “chocolate”, but let’s be honest, it’s more of a legal technicality than a flavor experience.

White chocolate has zero cocoa solids, the part of the cocoa bean that gives real chocolate its deep, complex flavor, brown color and mood-lifting bitterness. Without cocoa solids, white chocolate lacks caffeine and theobromine, the chemical duo responsible for chocolate’s mild stimulant effects. Theobromine, by the way, is a compound similar to caffeine, but a milder stimulant, often credited with chocolate’s mood-boosting properties, and the one reason your dog shouldn’t eat chocolate (but you probably should).

So, if you’re eating white chocolate, expecting a similar pick-me-up or a boost of antioxidants, you might as well be eating a stick of butter with sugar (which, to be fair, is not entirely inaccurate). So no, white chocolate isn’t healthier. It’s just sweeter, paler and less likely to keep you awake during a late-night Netflix binge.

Milk Chocolate: America’s Sweetheart

Milk chocolate isn’t just dark chocolate with a splash of dairy thrown in for good measure. It’s a different recipe entirely. Milk chocolate has less than 50% cocoa solids, often much less, with at least 12% milk solids and an enthusiastic heap of sugar. Lots and lots of sugar.

Sugar, of course, is America’s favorite nutritional tragedy. We love it more than we love our own common sense. From breakfast cereals to salad dressings, sugar sneaks into everything, like a toddler into a cookie jar. And milk chocolate? It’s basically sugar in a slightly more respectable outfit. It’s a thug, ready to take you out, but dressed to look good.

That doesn’t make milk chocolate evil, just more mainstream. Like reality television, it’s sweet, easy to take in and it rarely improves your intellect.

Dark Chocolate: The Thinking Person’s Candy

For a chocolate to earn the proud label of “dark”, it needs to have more than 50% cocoa solids, usually up to 85% or more. Some sugar is added, of course, to cut down on the inherent bitterness and appeal to a broader palate, because, let’s be honest, pure cocoa mass will make your face pucker. The higher the cocoa percentage, the darker, richer and more bitter the chocolate gets and the more you can pretend you’re eating it “for your health”.

Dark chocolate does offer legitimate benefits. It’s packed with antioxidants, flavonoids and compounds that can lower blood pressure and improve your mood, but before you start calling it a “superfood”, remember that it still contains fat and sugar. Eat it for joy, not for salvation.

Are There Other Types of Chocolate?

Indeed, there are! For the experimental crowd, there’s ruby chocolate, a naturally pink chocolate made from special ruby cocoa beans. It tastes fruity and tart, like someone mixed white chocolate with a raspberry. And there’s blond chocolate, also known as caramelized white chocolate. This one is pure genius. It’s essentially white chocolate that’s been slowly toasted until the sugars caramelize, giving it a rich, buttery, toffee-like flavor. It’s like white chocolate went to finishing school and learned some manners. Then there’s unsweetened baking chocolate, which exists mainly to humble the overconfident and cleanse the palate of anyone who mistakes it for a snack.

And if you see something labeled compound chocolate, that’s usually cocoa powder mixed with cheap vegetable fats instead of cocoa butter. It’s the budget cousin of chocolate, the one who borrows money and never calls back.

The “Healthy Chocolate” Myth: Fact or Fiction?

If you mean “can I eat a whole bag and suddenly have superpowers?”, then no. But when we talk about health benefits, we’re talking about dark chocolate, specifically chocolate with a high cocoa percentage (say, 70% or higher).

Dark chocolate has cocoa solids and they are packed with:

  • Antioxidants: Flavonoids and polyphenols, which can help fight free radicals in your body. We’re talking more than some fruits here!
  • Minerals: Iron, magnesium, copper, manganese, potassium, phosphorus, zinc and selenium.
  • Fiber: A surprising amount of soluble fiber.

These components are linked to potential benefits like improved heart health, reduced inflammation and even mood enhancement.

And the active compounds in the cocoa solids are the true plaque fighters:

  • Polyphenols, Tannins and Flavonoids: These are powerful antioxidants found in the cocoa bean. Research suggests they have an antibacterial effect in the mouth. They work by inhibiting the growth of the bacteria that cause plaque and by neutralizing the acids those bacteria produce when they break down sugar.
  • Theobromine: This compound is also credited with having the potential to strengthen tooth enamel. Some studies suggest it may be as effective as fluoride in helping remineralization, making the enamel more decay-resistant.
  • Low Sugar: High cocoa content dark chocolate has significantly less sugar than milk or white chocolate, which reduces the primary food source for the acid-producing bacteria in the first place.

But moderation is key. Eat one square, not one slab. As for white chocolate, well, it’s mostly fat and sugar, with fewer health benefits than a good sneeze.

So while some chocolate is better than others, “healthy chocolate” is about as mythical as guilt-free cheesecake.

My Personal Chocolate Manifesto

I have strong opinions about chocolate.

  1. White chocolate is the tofu of the candy world. It wants to be chocolate, but it’s missing the soul of the bean.
  2. Adding nuts to chocolate is a waste of chocolate. Just put the nuts in the trash and hand me the chocolate.
  3. Dark chocolate is my peace treaty. If you want me on your side, assure an uninterrupted supply of 80% or better dark chocolate. My loyalty is directly proportional to the cocoa content.

Closing Thoughts: Chocolate, Class and Cluelessness

In the world of chocolate, there are two kinds of people:

  • Those who think Hershey’s Special Dark is “fancy”.
  • And those who’ve tasted 90% cacao and thought, “Ah, this must be what enlightenment tastes like.”

Pedestrian chocolate is like store-brand wine. It’ll do in a pinch. But connoisseur chocolate? That’s an experience. It’s the difference between “I grabbed this at the gas station” and “I tasted this at a chocolatier in Brussels who spoke in percentages.”

Chocolate is like a relationship. It’s all about balance. Too sweet and it gets clingy, melts under pressure and leaves a gooey mess. Add just the right touch of darkness, though, and it’s dangerously irresistible. Because, let’s be honest, perfection is boring. A little edge makes it worth savoring.

So the next time someone tells you white chocolate is healthier, smile politely, offer them a piece of real dark chocolate and watch as their taste buds wake up to the truth.

 

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Take The Extra Minute: Outdoor Climbing Safety Matters

Posted on 2025-10-06 by The Narrator

As a search and rescue team member, I’ve seen firsthand how quickly a climbing trip can turn into tragedy. The impact ripples far beyond the mountain. It affects families, friends and the rescuers who respond. Lately, we’ve seen a troubling rise in serious climbing accidents, many involving experienced climbers who made small mistakes with devastating outcomes. These incidents remind us that even a moment’s lapse can erase your margin for error.

Our collective goal in the outdoor community should be to reduce these incidents. This article serves as a preventative SAR reminder: #TakeTheExtraMinute, double-check that knot and critically assess your decisions. Your life, and potentially the lives of those who come to your aid, depends on it.

When a Moment’s Lapse Becomes a Lifetime’s Loss

The climbing community, from seasoned professionals to enthusiastic beginners, understands the inherent risks. Yet, even the most experienced climbers can fall victim to fundamental errors. The consequences are stark and irreversible.

Consider these recent tragic examples, which highlight common pitfalls. These stories are difficult to read and even harder to respond to, but they also teach us vital lessons about where things go wrong and how easily they can be prevented.

  • Rappelling Off the End of the Rope: This particular error, often due to forgetting to tie stopper knots or misjudging rope length, is a tragically frequent cause of fatalities.
    • On October 1, 2025, 23-year-old Balin Miller, a rising star in the climbing community known for his challenging ascents, fell to his death from El Capitan in Yosemite National Park. His death occurred while he was rappelling down to retrieve stuck haul bags after completing a challenging route. Reports indicate he rappelled off the end of his rope.
    • In September 2023, an experienced Korean climber also fell to his death from El Capitan in Yosemite while climbing with a group of students. He, too, rappelled off the end of his rope while descending to fix lines, falling over 2,000 feet.
    • Just four months earlier, in June 2023, a canyoneer was killed near the Great White Icicle in Little Cottonwood Canyon, Utah, when he rappelled off the end of his rope, falling 300 feet.

Rappelling off the end of a rope is not an act of daring. It is a fundamental safety oversight. Stopper knots, clear communication and careful rope management are non-negotiable.

  • Free Soloing and Unroped Climbing: Free soloing — climbing without ropes or protective equipment — removes all margin for error. While a highly specialized and deeply personal pursuit for a very small segment of climbers, it is unequivocally the most dangerous form of climbing. The difference between rope-protected climbing and unroped scrambling in alpine terrain is immense. One offers a safety net, however thin, and the other offers none.
    • In July 2023, Bailee Mulholland, age 26, fell approximately 500 feet on Ypsilon Mountain in Rocky Mountain National Park while free solo climbing a “moderate” 5.4 technical route. Even seemingly “easy” technical terrain can be fatal without protection.
    • In February 2023, Zach Milligan fell to his death while free soloing an ice climb in Jasper National Park in the Canadian Rockies. His death underscored that the risks of free soloing extend beyond rock to ice and mixed terrain.
  • Dicey Anchors and Poor Judgement in Retreat: Even when using ropes, the anchors that secure them are only as strong as their weakest link.
    • In May 2025, a group of four climbers was descending from the Early Winters Spires near Mazama, Washington, in the North Cascades. During their retreat from a route, they chose to use a single, old piton as a rappel anchor in a steep gully. The piton failed, causing three climbers — Vishnu Irigireddy, Tim Nguyen and Oleksander Martynenko — to fall over 400 feet to their deaths. Their climbing partner, Anton Tselykh, miraculously survived with severe injuries. This incident highlights the critical importance of building robust, redundant anchors, especially when retreating in complex terrain.

In all these cases, the climbers were experienced. Their choices, whether due to haste, complacency, overconfidence or a misjudgment of risk, resulted in irreversible consequences.

Why Mistakes Happen (Even to Experienced Climbers)

Even seasoned climbers who possess deep knowledge and skill can make fatal errors. Here are patterns that show up across these incidents:

  • Normalization of Risk
    After many safe climbs, it’s easy for small safety steps, like checking whether your rappel rope is the right length or resetting protection, to feel tedious or unnecessary.
  • Cognitive Biases
    • Confirmation Bias: Seeking or interpreting information in a way that confirms existing beliefs (e.g., “this piton looks okay”).
    • Optimism Bias: Believing oneself to be less at risk of experiencing a negative event compared to others.
    • Complacency Bias: A false sense of security that develops after successfully performing a task many times without incident.
  • Environmental Pressures
    Deteriorating weather, approaching darkness or a looming deadline can rush decision-making.
  • Goal Fixation
    An intense focus on achieving the objective, such as reaching the summit or completing a route, can sometimes override safety considerations.
  • Team Dynamics
    Pressure from partners or a reluctance to speak up, can lead to group decisions that are less safe.
  • Fatigue, distraction or task overload
    Many accidents happen near the end of the route, when climbers are tired or managing secondary tasks, like fixing snagged gear or rerouting ropes. Judgment suffers. Mental and physical exhaustion can significantly impair judgment and attention to detail.
  • Assumptions about equipment or environment
    Assuming that rope length is sufficient or assuming that anchors are solid or that terrain is stable. Sometimes oversights about rope wear, knot integrity or anchor condition.
  • Failure of basic safety redundancy
    Not using stopper knots, not double-checking rope ends, not having back-up plan.
  • Exposure vs. technical difficulty mismatch
    A 5.4 might be technically easy for some, but if it’s very exposed, has loose rock or high consequence terrain, the margin for error is small.

Considerations for SAR Members in Vertical Rescue and Body Recoveries

As a search and rescue team member, I’ve seen the devastating consequences of climbing accidents. Body recoveries are a grim reality that weigh heavily on the search and rescue community and no one wants to be in a situation where they have to retrieve a body from a mountain. For us in search and rescue, these are not adventure stories. They are somber missions that carry significant emotional and physical tolls. Every recovery reminds us that the risks are real and the costs are personal. The reality is that search and rescue teams often face significant challenges when responding to climbing accidents, particularly in steep vertical environments. There are many considerations that we have to make in a rescue.

  • Protect our team first. Slide dangers, falling rock and unstable anchors are common in recovery operations.
  • Proper gear and redundancy. Always operate with backup anchor systems, belays, ropes.
  • Plan the rescue entry and exit carefully. Vertical terrain complicates movement. Ensure escape routes, communication and backup systems.

Even if the mission is successful, we never walk out unscathed.

  • Risk to Rescuers. Recovering a body from a vertical environment, especially after a fall, is one of the most technically challenging and dangerous tasks a SAR team undertakes. It often requires rescuers to operate in the same precarious, exposed terrain where the accident occurred, sometimes in adverse weather conditions, significantly increasing their own risk. We are putting ourselves in harm’s way not to save a life, but to bring closure.
  • Emotional Burden. No SAR volunteer has a “body recovery” on their bucket list. These missions are emotionally draining, leaving lasting impacts on those involved. We carry the weight of these tragedies long after the incident is over.
  • Resource Allocation. Every recovery mission ties up critical resources — personnel, specialized equipment and sometimes aircraft — that could otherwise be used for active rescues where lives can still be saved.

A Call to Action: #TakeTheExtraMinute

These climbers weren’t beginners — their accidents happened because small fundamentals broke down: rope didn’t reach, safety checks were skipped, exposure was misjudged. If every climber took just one more moment checking rope ends, anchor setup and fatigue levels, it might be the difference between returning home safely and being another rescue statistic.

To all outdoor enthusiasts, especially climbers, I urge you to embrace a culture of deliberate safety. The mountains will always be there, but your life is precious and irreplaceable. Let’s work together to make sure that every climbing adventure has a safe return home.

#TakeTheExtraMinute to assure your personal safety. Climbing is an exhilarating sport, but it’s essential to respect the risks involved. By taking the necessary precautions and being mindful of your surroundings, you can minimize the risks and enjoy the beauty of the great outdoors.

As a search and rescue team member, my best days are when my pager does not go off and I can spend time with friends and family. I hope that by sharing these stories, we can raise awareness about outdoor safety and prevent future accidents.

Let’s all commit to using that extra minute, because it matters. The best rescue is the one we never have to launch.

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A Light in the Forest

Posted on 2025-10-03 by The Narrator

A girl with a doll, named Jubilee,
Dreamed of the jungle, wild and free,
To Africa’s shore, her spirit took wing,
With no fancy credentials, but wonder to bring.
She walked into Gombe, where shadows descend,
A novice observer, a steadfast friend.

She sat in the silence, beneath the green shade,
A bond with the primates was silently made.
She gave them the names of the people she knew,
For their complex emotions, she knew to be true.
There was Flo and Fifi, their struggles and joys,
More than just numbers or simple decoys.

Then came the moment, the knowledge so profound,
When David Greybeard scraped sticks along the ground.
He stripped off the leaves, with a careful touch,
A tool used by chimps, who could do so much.
The line was dissolved, the barrier was gone,
The kinship of species from that day was drawn.

From student to scientist, her fame quickly grew,
With patience and kindness, her insights broke through.
She showed us that chimps knew both war and delight,
That love and compassion were also their right.

But the forest was fading, the crisis was clear,
The whispers of loss began filling her ear.
She left Gombe’s deep green for the wide, dusty roads,
To lighten the weight of the planet’s hard loads.
For humans to flourish, the wild must endure,
Her mission expanded, becoming so pure.

The Jane Goodall Institute and Roots & Shoots,
Planted the promise in young, vibrant roots.
She gave the great apes a voice, loud and strong,
And showed us exactly where we all belong.
Not above the wild creatures, but right by their side,
She was a Guardian of the Jungle, our tireless guide.

Now the green forests re-echo her songs,
A gentle, strong melody where she belongs.
Her loving spirit walks where the wild heart will call,
Her timeless light shines brightly within us all.

In memory of Jane Goodall.

In memory of Jane Goodall.

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The Language of Law Enforcement: Talking About Law Enforcement with Respect

Posted on 2025-10-02 by The Narrator

As a Public Information Officer with a search and rescue team, I spend a fair amount of time speaking to community groups about what we do and how we work alongside our served agencies. My job is to be the friendly face of our team and help the community understand our mission and capabilities and that means a lot of presentations. Most of these talks are smooth sailing, until they aren’t.

There are many misconceptions we have to clear up. We don’t charge for recue. It’s always free. We can’t take you to the grocery store when the weather is bad. That’s not a legitimate life safety emergency. We won’t arrest you for having a lapse in judgment and walking off a cliff. People make mistakes. The sheriff wants us a to solve a problem and that’s what we do.

I was recently presenting to a group of elderly amateur radio operators. At one point, I referred to our law enforcement partners as “cops”. The next thing I knew, one gentleman’s eyebrows shot up so high, I thought they might file a flight plan. He was deeply offended, convinced I had just disrespected the badge. Suddenly, my talk on search and rescue protocols turned into an impromptu history and language lesson.

The Old-Timers: “Copper”, “Flat Foot” and “Gum Shoe”

Let’s start with what is disrespectful.

  • Copper – While some people now consider this an old-fashioned synonym for “cop”, its origin is a bit different. The term “copper” originally came from the verb “to cop”, which meant “to catch” or “to seize”. An officer was a “copper” because that was what they did — they caught criminals. However, like many slang terms, its meaning and tone could vary widely, depending on the speaker’s intent.
  • Flatfoot – This one is pretty straightforward. Early law enforcement officers, particularly in the big cities, were known for walking long, repetitive beats for hours on end. This kind of work, especially with poor footwear, often led to physical ailments like flat feet. The term became a slightly mocking, physical descriptor for police officers, highlighting their long hours and tedious work.
  • Gumshoe – This term is specifically for detectives and private investigators. Back in the day, these sleuths often wore soft-soled rubber shoes, “gumshoes”, to move quietly and listen in on conversations without being detected. It was a nickname that captured their stealthy, methodical nature, but it often carried a certain cynicism, portraying them as shady or sneaky.

These terms are relics from the days of speakeasies, trench coats and black-and-white crime dramas. They’re fun to read about, but not great choices in polite conversation.

So, What About “Cop”?

Here’s where things get interesting and less controversial.

The term cop is not inherently disrespectful. In fact, its most accepted origin is as an acronym from British policing history: Constable on Patrol. Our American legal and policing systems are heavily influenced by the British model, so the term actually tips the hat to our shared historical roots and professional honor of the job. While slang can sometimes shift meaning, “cop” in modern usage is widely considered a neutral, even affectionate, shorthand for “police officer”.

That said, context matters. A smile and a tone of respect go a long way toward making sure the word is taken as intended.

The Takeaway

When we talk about law enforcement, whether in a briefing, a presentation or a casual conversation, it’s worth remembering that words carry history. Some names have baggage. Others have heritage.

  • Avoid outdated nicknames like “copper” or “flatfoot” unless you’re telling a story about 1920s Chicago.
  • Recognize that “cop” is rooted in professional history, not insult.
  • Above all, remember that these are people doing a critical, often dangerous job, and they deserve our respect in both word and deed.

Language evolves, but respect never goes out of style. The “cop” comes from a place of respect and homage to the historical roots of our law enforcement system. By showing respect through our language, we can build stronger relationships with law enforcement and the communities they serve.

A lot of my friends are cops. Two cast off their sidearms and body armor on a regular basis and volunteer on my team. I am always inspired to stand shoulder to shoulder with them.

 

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The Undiscovered Country of Stupid Questions: A Guilty Confession

Posted on 2025-09-28 by The Narrator

Many years ago, when planning a trip with my wife to Missouri’s cave country, I connected with a member of the National Speleological Society. He was a great guy and helped me with the information I needed. He was so helpful, he even offered to take us on a private tour of some of his favorite caves. It turned out that he worked at a large commercial cave in the area and we arranged to meet him there after his shift.

The plan was simple: we’d meet him after his shift, but it went sideways when we showed up an hour early. On the morning of our tour, my wife and I were running well ahead of our schedule. We asked for our host at the front desk and were told he had just taken a group into the cave. Naturally, we bought tickets and jumped in on the tour, having missed just the introductory entrance talk.

Our host, completely unaware of who we were, was doing a fantastic job. He was a seasoned guide with a wealth of knowledge, sharing fascinating facts about the cave’s history and geology. He was, frankly, too good. He had the whole group hanging on every word. Which, naturally, made me decide it was the perfect time to play the part of that guy, the tourist with the impossible questions.

Our host talked about the size of the cave several times. I used this hook as an opportunity to squeeze in a question. “How many miles of the cave are still undiscovered?”

He looked at me. A long pause hung in the air. I could see him mentally shuffling through his well-practiced tour script, trying to find a polite way to respond without calling me an idiot. I could see him silently weighing: Do I correct this fool or bury him in a rockfall? He handled it beautifully.

“That’s a great question!” he said, with an earnest smile. “The thing is, if we knew how many miles are undiscovered, well, they wouldn’t be undiscovered anymore, would they? What we can say is that cavers are still mapping new passage all the time.”

Nicely done. I had to wait for my next opportunity. It came not long after as our host was telling the tour group how far below the surface the chamber we were in was.

“Is the entire cave underground?” I asked.

I got that same look. Another pause. He was eyeing me suspiciously now, hoping I wouldn’t open my mouth again. I could almost hear him thinking, Really, dude? You’re asking me this? But he kept his cool.

“Yes, caves are underground by definition,” he explained patiently, as though speaking to a small, exceptionally slow child. “Though the entrances might open on cliff faces or hillsides. Think of it like a house: the front door is on the side of the building, but once you’re in, all the rooms are inside.”

At this point, I knew I was on the suspect list. He was watching me.

My final opportunity came as the tour was ending. He reminded the tour group that everyone was welcome to enjoy the park’s grounds and trails until dark. The facility closes at sunset.

“Do you close at sunset because it’s too dark to go into caves then?” I threw out.

I’m sure he had had enough of me at that point. “Caves are dark 24/7. They don’t have a sunrise or sunset. We close at sunset for people’s safety and because our staff needs to go home, not because the cave gets any darker.” Delivered with professional calm and a saintly amount of restraint.

When we finally met up after his shift, he gave me the critical side-eye and said, “I knew you had to be a caver. No one else would come up with questions like that.”

Guilty as charged. We laughed about it for a long time and then had a fantastic day touring wild caves in the area.

 

Asking the Question

I tell this story because September 28 is National Ask a Stupid Question Day, a holiday invented by teachers in the 1980s to encourage students to ask questions without fear of sounding silly. It’s a day to embrace our most ridiculous curiosities and, perhaps, get a little laugh. This holiday is a reminder that curiosity is never dumb and sometimes the best conversations start with the most ridiculous questions.

So go ahead, lean in. Ask something astonishingly absurd, obviously obvious or wonderfully weird. The world could use more laughter and besides, someone just might surprise you with a brilliant answer.

And if you need a starter, ask if a tomato is a fruit, does that make ketchup a smoothie?

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The Sirens of the Drive-Thru: America’s Fast Food Odyssey

Posted on 2025-09-24 by The Narrator

Back in ancient Greece, sailors were said to be lured off course by the Sirens’ song, an enchanting melody so irresistible that men would throw themselves into the sea just to get closer.

Fast forward to modern-day America. Our sirens don’t perch on rocky shores, crooning deadly ballads. They perch on every street corner, glowing neon, crooning: “Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese…”

The American eater, it is said, remains undefeated. But at what cost?

The tempting call of the fast food sirens.

The tempting call of the fast food sirens.

The Call of the Combo Meal

It’s not exactly a state secret: fast food isn’t good for you. Calories, salt, trans fats and enough sugar to keep a hummingbird buzzing well into next week. One meal won’t kill you, but a steady diet of double-bacon monstrosities will turn your body into a science experiment you didn’t sign up for.

Need proof? Look no further than Morgan Spurlock, who in Super Size Me (2004) ate only McDonald’s for 30 days for every meal. His health drastically deteriorated and he was warned by doctors to stop the experiment. He gained weight, experienced depression and liver dysfunction and proved that a habit of fast food meals certainly will do you in.

The Three Ages of Fast Food Love

  1. Childhood – The Honeymoon Phase
    A Happy Meal is the pinnacle of human achievement. Your parents, exhausted, declare it a “treat”. The toy is treasure. The fries are magic. Life is good and you look forward to those nights your parents are too exhausted to cook. You even suggest that getting some takeout will let them get some rest. Like a budding used car salesman, you learn to manipulate the people to believe that nuggets are a form of self-care, that a cheeseburger is an act of mercy and that nothing says “family bonding” quite like eating in silence while staring at the toy prize that comes with the meal.
  2. Teenage Years – Jedi Training
    Fast food becomes the cornerstone of your social calendar. Pre-game fuel, post-game snack, late-night survival kit. You convince yourself that fast food is brain fuel before your tests. You know the exact number of onion rings that fit in a cupholder and the proper wrist technique for stabilizing a collapsing taco. Truly, the Force is strong with you.
  3. Adulthood – The Co-Dependent Relationship
    The drive-thru is no longer adventure. It’s necessity. You’re late for work, the kids are howling and the idea of chopping an onion makes you want to cry harder than the onion itself. You order “the usual” and the cashier finishes your sentence. That’s not customer service. It’s a long-term relationship. You and the cashier have a partnership built on efficiency and the mutual understanding that you’re both just trying to get through the day.

Why We Can’t Quit

  • Speed: Burgers in minutes, faster than you can boil water.
  • Price: A cheeseburger cheaper than an apple. (That’s not a metaphor. That’s America.)
  • Marketing: Clowns, jingles, toys. Fast food companies recruit younger than the military.

It’s no wonder Americans treat fast food like a patriotic duty.

The Cost of Answering the Call

Too much fast food is like dating someone who looks great in selfies, but empties your bank account. Fun in the moment, but long-term? Not sustainable.

Fast food is a recipe for disaster. Diets high in processed meat, salt and sugar are strongly linked to serious health problems, including obesity, diabetes and heart disease. Science backs it up: one study even suggested that fast food may contribute to more than one in ten preventable deaths. Yikes!

Escaping the Sirens’ Song

Odysseus tied himself to the mast to survive the Sirens. You don’t need rope, but you do need a plan:

  • Eat vegetables that aren’t deep-fried.
  • Drink water instead of the gallon-sized soda bucket.
  • Save the double-bacon monster burger for a treat, not Tuesday lunch.
  • Rely on your crew (friends, family, coworkers) to keep you accountable.

The Takeaway

The Sirens of antiquity lured sailors to their doom with songs of longing. Today’s Sirens lure us with milkshakes, fries and promises of “limited-time offers”.

So next time you hear the call of the glowing arches at midnight, remember: a salad may not come with a plastic toy, but it also won’t make your arteries file a restraining order.

Sail wisely, my friends, past the combo meals and onward to healthier shores.

Sirens tempting Odysseus with fast food, with all due reverence to the original 1867 painting Ulysse et Les Sirènes by Léon Belly

Sirens tempting Odysseus with fast food, with all due reverence to the original 1867 painting Ulysse et Les Sirènes by Léon Belly

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Shiver Me Timbers, It Be Talk Like a Pirate Day! And Our Motto? Well…

Posted on 2025-09-19 by The Narrator

Ahoy, ye landlubbers and salty dogs! Today be the one day o’ the year when we cast off the shackles o’ proper English and embrace the glorious tongue o’ the buccaneer! So hoist the Jolly Roger (metaphorically, unless ye got one handy), grab yer grog (or yer lukewarm soda, we ain’t judgin’) and let’s delve into the truly enriching lifestyle and profound philosophy o’ the pirate!

Now, many a romantic tale paints us as swashbucklin’ heroes, fightin’ for freedom and buried treasure. And while the treasure part ain’t entirely wrong, the “freedom fighter” bit… well, let’s just say our definition o’ freedom usually involved not havin’ to answer to anyone with more cannons than us.

Now, let’s hoist the sails and talk serious pirate philosophy — the timeless wisdom of salt-soaked philosophers like Cap’n Jack Sparrow, who once declared the Sparrow family motto:

“Take what ye can, give nothin’ back.”

Is it selfish? Perhaps.
Is it efficient? Absolutely.
Is it morally bankrupt? Maybe, but look, we pirates didn’t sign HR’s Code of Ethics. We pirates, bein’ practical folk, just call it good business!

Think about it, savvy? We’re the ultimate disruptors o’ the maritime supply chain. We identify a valuable asset (shiny gold, rum, the occasional bewildered nobleman) and we facilitate its… redistribution to our own coffers. It’s a bold economic model, really. One where the “invisible hand” is usually wearin’ a rather conspicuous cutlass.

And the “give nothin’ back” part? Well, that’s just sound fiscal policy! Why dilute yer hard-earned loot with unnecessary generosity? Unless, o’ course, “givin’ back” involves a hearty round o’ celebratory cannon fire… in the general direction o’ yer former benefactor. That’s just good manners, see? Letting ’em know ye appreciated their… contribution.

Our lifestyle, too, is one o’ pure, unadulterated freedom! Sleep in ’til noon (or whenever the lookout yells “Sail ho!”), eat whatever scurvy-ridden biscuit hasn’t grown legs yet and settle disputes with a good ol’ fashioned sword fight (winner gets the last swig o’ grog). What’s not to love? Sure, the hygiene might be questionable and the career advancement opportunities are somewhat limited (usually endin’ with a hangman’s noose), but the autonomy! The sheer, unbridled joy o’ causin’ mild to moderate panic in coastal towns!

Though ye gotta have a plan.

  • Negotiatin’, Ye Say? Bah! Why parley like a lily-livered merchant when ye can just bellow, “Prepare to be boarded, ye scurvy dogs!” (Aye, a fair word o’ warnin’: this here tactic be more fruitful on the high seas than in them stuffy boardrooms, savvy?)
  • Life Goals, Eh? Blimey! Forget yer fancy five-year charts! Pirates don’t plot, they plunder! If yer career’s got a treasure map, mark me words, ye’re already halfway to the captain’s cabin, or the brig, dependin’ on yer aim with a cutlass.
  • Fancy Duds, Ye Ask? Arrr! Them tricorn hats be makin’ a comeback, I tell ye! Likely as a kraken in a bathtub. But look ye here, matey: confidence be ninety percent o’ yer style. Strut like ye just commandeered a galleon and they’ll think yer rags are royal velvet!
  • Settlin’ Disputes, Ye Want? Shiver Me Timbers! We pirates settle our squabbles with a good ol’ sword duel! Them landlubberin’ HR types frown on such spirited displays, so maybe try a lively game o’ rock-paper-scissors. Show ’em yer inner swashbuckler!
  • Retirement, Ye Dream Of? Heave Ho! Buried treasure! Aye, ’tis not insured by no fancy government FDIC, but at least it comes with a jolly good map and the chance o’ a few booby traps to spice things up! Dig deep, me hearties, and may yer golden years be truly golden!

And don’t even get me started on our impeccable fashion sense! Layers o’ questionable fabric, flamboyant sashes, enough buckles to secure a small galleon and a hat that screams, “I’m here to plunder and I look fabulous doin’ it!” It’s a look that says, “I might smell faintly o’ saltwater and stale ale, but my accessories are on point.”

Listen up, ye scallywags! At the heart o’ this here pirate life, ’tisn’t just ’bout pilferin’ gold and bellowin’ “Arrr!” every time a landlubber opens a locker. Nay, ’tis ’bout freedom, a grand adventure, aye, and a touch o’ questionable hygiene, livin’ each blessed day like ye just swiped it right from under the nose o’ the Royal Navy!

True pirates, we be livin’ by our sharp minds, navigatin’ waters as murky as a kraken’s inkwell and, now and then, wakin’ up with a goat on deck. (A long tale, that one. Rum had a hand in it, ye see.)

So on this most holy o’ days, clap on yer eye patch, speak like ye’ve swallowed a whole flock o’ parrots and remember the true pirate’s creed:

“Why be a cog in the blasted machine when ye can be a peg in the leg?”

Now get out there and take what ye can, give nothin’ back — unless ’tis yer dear ol’ mum’s Tupperware. She’ll hunt ye down like a bloodhound on a scent, she will!

So today, as ye stumble through yer day speakin’ like a barnacle-encrusted buffoon, remember the true spirit o’ the pirate. Embrace the “take all ye can” (within reasonable legal limits, o’ course. We wouldn’t want ye walkin’ the plank into actual trouble). And the “give nothin’ back” part? Well, maybe just skip that bit at the coffee machine. Unless someone’s hoggin’ the last donut, then all bets are off, savvy?

Aye, Talk Like a Pirate Day ain’t ‘bout gold nor squawkin’ parrots. Nay, it be ‘bout lettin’ go, actin’ the fool, an’ rememberin’ that life needs a fair bit o’ swashbucklin’ tomfoolery in its sails! Arrr!

Now, if ye’ll excuse me, I hear the siren call o’ a half-eaten bag o’ chips and a suspiciously unguarded office supply cabinet. Happy Talk Like a Pirate Day, ye scallywags! May yer plunder be plentiful and yer parrots surprisingly well-behaved. Arrr!

A Pirate’s Creed

Hoist up the sails, ye scallywag crew,
This day we be speakin’ like buccaneers do!
With “Arrr!” on our lips an’ a mug full o’ cheer,
We toss out the land talk and bellow it clear.

It ain’t ‘bout the gold, nor the parrots we keep,
Nor maps full o’ treasure that sinks in the deep.
It’s lettin’ go proper, it’s laughin’ away,
It’s swashbucklin’ nonsense, the pirate’s own way!

We dress in odd layers, with buckles galore,
Sashes that flap as we stomp on the floor.
A hat on me head shouts, “I’ve come here to plunder,
But look at me style — ain’t it fashion asunder?”

Our motto be simple, as Jack Sparrow said:
“Take all that ye can, give nothin’ instead!”
Efficient, perhaps, aye, and selfish, it’s true —
But HR’s code o’ conduct be not for our crew!

So grab ye a cutlass, or rock-paper-scissors,
Tell tales o’ the sea to yer friends an’ yer missus.
On this day o’ pirates, we’re free as the tide,
With laughter our compass, adventure our guide.

So here’s to the scallywags, bold and carefree,
To freedom, to folly, to bein’ at sea!
Why be a cog in the landlubber’s scheme,
When a peg-leg an’ nonsense can power yer dream?

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Are Artificial Sweeteners Stealing Years from Our Brains?

Posted on 2025-09-15 by The Narrator

Back in July, I explored the ongoing debate around artificial sweeteners — substances that promise all the sweetness without the calories. At that time, most of the discussion centered on cancer risk, metabolic effects and the gut microbiome. Now, a new study published in Neurology (September 2025) adds an important and sobering dimension: the potential impact of artificial sweeteners on brain health.

A New Link: Sweeteners and Cognitive Decline

Researchers in Brazil followed more than 12,000 middle-aged adults for an average of eight years. They found that people consuming the highest amounts of artificial sweeteners — especially aspartame, saccharin, acesulfame-K, sorbitol and xylitol — experienced faster declines in memory and thinking skills compared to those who consumed the least.

  • The rate of decline was equivalent to about 1.6 years of extra brain aging.
  • The effect was most pronounced in people under 60 and those with diabetes.
  • Tagatose, one of the sweeteners studied, did not show a link to decline.

Importantly, this was an observational study, meaning it shows association, but can not prove cause and effect. Still, the large sample size and consistency of the findings make it a signal worth paying attention to.

How Could Sweeteners Affect the Brain?

Scientists don’t yet have definitive answers, but several theories are emerging:

  1. The Gut–Brain Axis
    Artificial sweeteners can alter the gut microbiome, which in turn influences inflammation and brain function. Disrupted gut bacteria may set off a cascade of low-grade inflammation that eventually reaches the brain.
  2. Insulin and Glucose Regulation
    Even without calories, the taste of sweetness can trigger insulin responses. Over time, this mismatch may contribute to insulin resistance — a key risk factor for cognitive decline, especially in people with diabetes.
  3. Vascular Health
    Chronic inflammation and metabolic stress can damage small blood vessels in the brain, reducing oxygen and nutrient delivery. This so-called small vessel disease is a recognized driver of memory problems and dementia.

Putting the Findings in Context

Before anyone panics and swears off diet soda forever, a few caveats:

  • The study measured consumption levels, but participants self-reported their diets, which introduces some uncertainty.
  • The differences in brain aging, while meaningful, were modest — equivalent to roughly a year and a half over the study period.
  • More research is needed to confirm these findings and determine whether certain sweeteners are more problematic than others.

Still, this is not the first time artificial sweeteners have raised red flags beyond simple calorie counting. Together with earlier research on metabolism and the gut, the new cognitive angle underscores that these compounds are not necessarily “free passes” to sweetness.

What This Means for You

For most people, occasional use of artificial sweeteners is unlikely to cause harm. But if you’re relying on them daily, especially in multiple servings, it may be wise to rethink the habit.

  • Moderation remains key. Too much of anything is bad for you.
  • Whole foods first. Opt for naturally sweet foods like fruit, rather than highly processed alternatives.
  • If you have diabetes, pay particular attention, since the study suggests you may be more vulnerable to these effects.

The Bottom Line

Artificial sweeteners were once seen as the safe solution to cutting sugar, but the science is evolving and what seemed like a simple swap now looks more complicated. The latest research hints that while they may protect your waistline, artificial sweeteners could come at a cost to your brain over the long run.

As always, balance wins: reducing both added sugar and artificial substitutes, while focusing on nutrient-dense, minimally processed foods, is still the most reliable path to long-term health for both the body and the mind.

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The Space Between Us

Posted on 2025-09-12 by The Narrator

I don’t really like talking about politics.

I have my own opinions, leaning off-center, but I won’t say which way, because it shouldn’t matter. What I care about more than declaring my political lean is holding space for honest conversation. What matters more to me are the people in my life. I have friends who lean the opposite way from me and that’s okay. They’re my friends. When they say something I find disagreeable, I’ll push back. I’ll debate back. We don’t physically fight. We spar. Verbally. No one’s mind is ever changed, but the verbal jousting clears the air. Then we go out for a beer and laugh about the dumb things we did when we were younger.

That’s a healthy conflict. It’s frustrating, but it’s safe. Nobody bleeds, nobody goes to jail, nobody gets buried.

What astonishes me about our world today is how much activism has become fused with violence. The recent assassination of Charlie Kirk isn’t the reason I’m writing this, but it is one of the reasons. Among the many others: the June assassination of Minnesota legislator Melissa Hortman, the April firebombing of Pennsylvania Governor Josh Shapiro’s residence. And those are just this year.

The list of political violence from the last decade is staggering. The 2017 Congressional baseball game shooting. The 2020 kidnapping plot against Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer. The 2020 attempted assassination of Judge Esther Salas. The 2022 attempt on Brett Kavanaugh’s life. The brutal attack on Nancy Pelosi’s husband. The shooting spree against New Mexico officials in 2022–2023. Two attempts on Donald Trump in 2024, just weeks apart.

This isn’t a partisan problem. This is both sides of the aisle. And this is the United States of America.

Voting with your gun is not a new thing in the United States. The assassinations of Abraham Lincoln and John F. Kennedy are among the best known. The assassinations of presidents James Garfield and William McKinley are almost forgotten in our common lore. Reagan was shot and lived. Teddy Roosevelt took a bullet in the chest and went on to deliver a 90-minute speech. We romanticize the frontier, but do we really want frontier justice back in the public square?

Is violence a legitimate means of expressing one’s political opinion? Is it free speech? Protected speech? Think carefully about the world that would create. A nation where assassination becomes routine is not a democracy. It is a battleground and battlegrounds don’t host elections. They host wars. Is this what the highest levels of democracy embodies for us?

What unsettles me most is not just the violence itself, but the creeping sense that it is becoming ordinary.

Some say that the United States has not been this divided since the Civil War, when conflict became state against state, neighbor against neighbor, brother against brother. I have two friends, brothers, whom I’ve known since high school. One is a year ahead of me, the other is a year behind. We grew up together — ate in each other’s kitchens, annoyed each other’s mothers, survived adolescence in the same small circle. Their bond was unbreakable. Except, it was broken. One brother wrote a politically themed book in 2024 and that created a conflict with the other brother, a conflict so bad that they have not spoken since.

I am still friends with both, but they are not friends with each other. I agree with one. I don’t understand the politics of the other. But the question that nags me is this: does politics really have to decide our friendships? Couldn’t we skip the ideology and still be friends, challenge a mountain, challenge a bar, dare each other at the zoo’s lion exhibit? (Spoiler: it’s never the lion who blinks first.)

Their broken bond feels like a mirror of the country. We are one people split down the middle, daring each other to cross the line. So where does this lead? Do the parties pick up arms and settle it by force? Do we fracture into two nations, the Liberal States of America and the Conservative States of America? Or do we rediscover that democracy is not about dominance, but about coexistence?

There aren’t many paths. We could double down on violence until no one feels safe. We could retreat into echo chambers until the other half of the nation feels like foreigners. Or — harder, slower, but better — we could work at rebuilding trust. That means listening without planning our rebuttal. It means remembering that the person across the table is still a neighbor, still a parent, still a human being who laughs at dumb jokes.

Perhaps the most thoughtful path is to acknowledge that the middle ground isn’t a political compromise, but a social one. It’s the space where we can recognize that the person on the other side of the aisle is a human being with their own fears, hopes and beliefs. The path forward might be less about changing minds and more about restoring trust and shared values, not just in our political institutions, but in each other. It means finding the humanity in our opponents, treating them as neighbors rather than enemies. It’s about remembering that the verbal sparring we once enjoyed can still exist without the risk of bloodshed.

The middle ground is not glamorous. It doesn’t trend. It doesn’t draw clicks or campaign donations. But it is where trust lives. It is where values can be shared again. The middle ground isn’t about politics. It’s about friendship, civility and a future where our disagreements don’t threaten our existence as a society. The middle ground is the neighbor who disagrees with your vote, but still shows up with a shovel when your driveway is snowed in. Political assassination may be making headlines, but it doesn’t have to write our future. We can. And if my two friends ever find their way back to each other, maybe the rest of us can, too.

America can’t lead the free world if we can’t even manage ourselves.

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