The Space Between Us

Posted on 2025-09-12 by The Narrator

I don’t really like talking about politics.

I have my own opinions, leaning off-center, but I won’t say which way, because it shouldn’t matter. What I care about more than declaring my political lean is holding space for honest conversation. What matters more to me are the people in my life. I have friends who lean the opposite way from me and that’s okay. They’re my friends. When they say something I find disagreeable, I’ll push back. I’ll debate back. We don’t physically fight. We spar. Verbally. No one’s mind is ever changed, but the verbal jousting clears the air. Then we go out for a beer and laugh about the dumb things we did when we were younger.

That’s a healthy conflict. It’s frustrating, but it’s safe. Nobody bleeds, nobody goes to jail, nobody gets buried.

What astonishes me about our world today is how much activism has become fused with violence. The recent assassination of Charlie Kirk isn’t the reason I’m writing this, but it is one of the reasons. Among the many others: the June assassination of Minnesota legislator Melissa Hortman, the April firebombing of Pennsylvania Governor Josh Shapiro’s residence. And those are just this year.

The list of political violence from the last decade is staggering. The 2017 Congressional baseball game shooting. The 2020 kidnapping plot against Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer. The 2020 attempted assassination of Judge Esther Salas. The 2022 attempt on Brett Kavanaugh’s life. The brutal attack on Nancy Pelosi’s husband. The shooting spree against New Mexico officials in 2022–2023. Two attempts on Donald Trump in 2024, just weeks apart.

This isn’t a partisan problem. This is both sides of the aisle. And this is the United States of America.

Voting with your gun is not a new thing in the United States. The assassinations of Abraham Lincoln and John F. Kennedy are among the best known. The assassinations of presidents James Garfield and William McKinley are almost forgotten in our common lore. Reagan was shot and lived. Teddy Roosevelt took a bullet in the chest and went on to deliver a 90-minute speech. We romanticize the frontier, but do we really want frontier justice back in the public square?

Is violence a legitimate means of expressing one’s political opinion? Is it free speech? Protected speech? Think carefully about the world that would create. A nation where assassination becomes routine is not a democracy. It is a battleground and battlegrounds don’t host elections. They host wars. Is this what the highest levels of democracy embodies for us?

What unsettles me most is not just the violence itself, but the creeping sense that it is becoming ordinary.

Some say that the United States has not been this divided since the Civil War, when conflict became state against state, neighbor against neighbor, brother against brother. I have two friends, brothers, whom I’ve known since high school. One is a year ahead of me, the other is a year behind. We grew up together — ate in each other’s kitchens, annoyed each other’s mothers, survived adolescence in the same small circle. Their bond was unbreakable. Except, it was broken. One brother wrote a politically themed book in 2024 and that created a conflict with the other brother, a conflict so bad that they have not spoken since.

I am still friends with both, but they are not friends with each other. I agree with one. I don’t understand the politics of the other. But the question that nags me is this: does politics really have to decide our friendships? Couldn’t we skip the ideology and still be friends, challenge a mountain, challenge a bar, dare each other at the zoo’s lion exhibit? (Spoiler: it’s never the lion who blinks first.)

Their broken bond feels like a mirror of the country. We are one people split down the middle, daring each other to cross the line. So where does this lead? Do the parties pick up arms and settle it by force? Do we fracture into two nations, the Liberal States of America and the Conservative States of America? Or do we rediscover that democracy is not about dominance, but about coexistence?

There aren’t many paths. We could double down on violence until no one feels safe. We could retreat into echo chambers until the other half of the nation feels like foreigners. Or — harder, slower, but better — we could work at rebuilding trust. That means listening without planning our rebuttal. It means remembering that the person across the table is still a neighbor, still a parent, still a human being who laughs at dumb jokes.

Perhaps the most thoughtful path is to acknowledge that the middle ground isn’t a political compromise, but a social one. It’s the space where we can recognize that the person on the other side of the aisle is a human being with their own fears, hopes and beliefs. The path forward might be less about changing minds and more about restoring trust and shared values, not just in our political institutions, but in each other. It means finding the humanity in our opponents, treating them as neighbors rather than enemies. It’s about remembering that the verbal sparring we once enjoyed can still exist without the risk of bloodshed.

The middle ground is not glamorous. It doesn’t trend. It doesn’t draw clicks or campaign donations. But it is where trust lives. It is where values can be shared again. The middle ground isn’t about politics. It’s about friendship, civility and a future where our disagreements don’t threaten our existence as a society. The middle ground is the neighbor who disagrees with your vote, but still shows up with a shovel when your driveway is snowed in. Political assassination may be making headlines, but it doesn’t have to write our future. We can. And if my two friends ever find their way back to each other, maybe the rest of us can, too.

America can’t lead the free world if we can’t even manage ourselves.

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There Be Dragons Here: The Secrets of the Deep

Posted on 2025-09-03 by The Narrator

Among the many hats that I wear, one of my favorites is a caving helmet. For many years my wife and I have been members of the National Speleological Society, an organization dedicated to the study, exploration and conservation of caves and their environments. The NSS is more than just a group of adventure-seekers. Its members are not just hobbyists, but rather a diverse group of speleologists — a scientific term for those who study caves — who are passionate about protecting these fragile underground ecosystems.

The NSS is at the forefront of American caving, working to advance our understanding and appreciation of caves. The society is involved in

  • Conservation — actively working to preserve caves from damage
  • Education — teaching new generations about safe caving practices
  • Research — conducting scientific studies on cave geology and biology
  • Cave rescue — training skilled teams to assist in emergencies

Caving was one of the first passions my wife and I dove into together, right alongside bicycling and search and rescue. Over the years, we’ve done it all, from conservation to cave rescue, but the things that stand out the most are the trips involving exploration and mapping.

As members, my wife and I have experienced all of these facets of caving. But you may have noticed that I deliberately left one item off that list: recreation. That’s because there’s a world of difference between a recreational thrill and true exploration. Most recreational cavers are thrill-seekers looking for an adrenaline hit. Adrenaline is produced when the brain perceives danger or stress, usually meaning someone has gotten themselves into trouble. But I’ll save the topic of adrenaline for another article.

Thrill seekers tend to get themselves into trouble. In the insuring medical emergency, formations are broken, rare lifeforms destroyed and rescue teams are left scrambling to save the day. Caves are too ancient, too fragile and too unforgiving to treat them like an amusement park ride.

Caving is not an activity for the faint of heart. It requires a deep respect for the underground environment and a commitment to preserving its delicate balance. Unlike thrill-seekers who might damage formations and disrupt the ecosystem, we approach caving with a sense of reverence and responsibility.

Exploration is something altogether different. For me, exploration is the most captivating aspect of caving. It’s the thrill of locating a passage no human has ever seen before or finding a cave that no one knew existed. Think of it this way: you are entering a world millions of years old, untrodden by human feet. It’s like Neil Armstrong setting foot on the Moon, with the knowledge that he is the first person to ever walk there. Caves don’t get as much coverage as the Moon landings, but sometimes getting through them is equally challenging.

Unlike the surface of the Moon or a remote mountain peak, caves don’t come with maps. You can’t just pick up a guidebook to an unexplored cave system. While National Geographic loves to talk about remote caves, they follow us into them. Cavers have to make their own maps and that can be an adventure in itself. That curve in the passage might lead to a dead end or it might open into ten miles of borehole. More likely, though, it’s hiding a series of nasty narrow squeezes, at least one of which is tighter than what my chest can manage.

Recently I took part in an expedition into a commercial cave that has been open to the public for more than a century. It has a lot of mapped passage and multiple commercial tour routes and while most of the cave’s passages are well-traveled, some remain closed and mysterious and there are still leads that remain unexplored. Our target was one such lead, a tight squeeze noted on the map, where moving air hinted at more cave beyond. In caving, a “breathing” passage is a sign of a barometric pressure difference, signaling hidden chambers. This means the cave “breathes” with the outside world, a potential hint of something interesting beyond.

Our team of six set out loaded with gear. Going into the unknown means being ready for anything: gear to get you in and gear to get you back out, equipment for potential research, the readiness not to return the same day and everything needed to survey along the way.

 

The squeeze was the kind where you decide which way you want your head to be facing and slide in, pulling yourself with your fingers and pushing with the toes of your boots, hoping not to hit an obstacle that will end your trip. Luck was with us. The squeeze opened into a small room, followed by another squeeze and another. The squeezes tested our resolve and physical limits. It was a challenging task, but one that allowed me to appreciate the spirit of exploration.

A horizontal squeeze, as icky as it sounds, is infinitely preferable to a vertical slot. In a vertical slot, you’re inadvertently lying on one of your arms or pushing it ahead of you like an awkwardly placed tree branch that does nothing to help.

But we had cave! New cave! Our travel was impeded not just by the series of annoying squeezes, but also by the need to map as we went. It’s an unspoken code in the exploration world: don’t “scoop” passage. Map it and leave what you couldn’t get to for someone else to explore.

 

Just after midnight came the real test: a vertical crack so narrow that each inhale wedged you tighter, each exhale freed you to move. I want to say it’s sexy, but my washing machine would never agree. A lot of caving trips send you home looking like you’ve been wrestling pigs in the mud. Not elegant, not comfortable, certainly not laundry-friendly, but that’s caving.

My job on this trip was surveying. I was “lead tape” or “back tape” depending on who was leapfrogging whom. Surveying requires you to be detail-oriented. You have to set good survey points that are in useful locations and won’t be destroyed by time or clumsy cavers. And you have to be dead-on for your azimuth and inclination readings or your map will be no better than a five-year-old’s crayon drawing.

We worked late into the night, carefully logging a few hundred feet of new passage with a few small rooms and a lot of squeezes. No breathtaking formations, just aragonite dustings and moonmilk, basic sedimentary deposits. It was a tough night, but a night well spent. The satisfaction was immense. At the end of the trip, as we gathered around the draft map, our sketcher (cartographer) scrawled a note in the margin: “There be dragons here”, a nod to the medieval cartographers who marked uncharted territories with mythical creatures. It was a fitting metaphor for our own quest, which had taken us into the unknown and pushed us to our limits.

As I looked at the map, I couldn’t help but feel a sense of pride and accomplishment. We had uncovered new passage, documented our findings and contributed to the ever-growing body of knowledge about this incredible cave system.

Caving is not just an adventure. It’s a journey of discovery, a test of physical and mental endurance and a chance to connect with the natural world in a unique way. It’s a world that requires patience, respect and a willingness to push beyond your comfort zones.

For those who are drawn to the underground realm, there’s no shortage of excitement and challenge. Whether you’re a seasoned caver or just starting out, the world of caving has something to offer. So, if you’re ready to embark on an odyssey of discovery, join us in the underground world of caves. Just be prepared to get a little dirty. I doubt my washing machine will ever forgive me, but I wouldn’t trade these muddy, exhausting nights underground for anything.

Exploration underground is a quest, as much about patience and persistence as bravery, every bit as mythic as chasing dragons. Because sometimes, the real adventure isn’t in slaying dragons. It’s in finding where they live.

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The Neighborhood Menu: Tales from the Wetlands Edge

Posted on 2025-08-27 by The Narrator

Content Warning: This post deals with the difficult topic of pets and wildlife and uses dark humor to discuss the food chain. It may not be suitable for all readers.

 

If you live on the edge of a wilderness wetlands reserve like I do, you’re probably familiar with the annual ritual of posting “Missing Pet” signs in the neighborhood.  Every summer, the same thing happens. Signs start popping up on street lights and mailboxes:

“Missing Cat! Reward!”
“Lost Dog! Please Call!”
“Have You Seen Fluffy?”

The rewards are always enticing, but let’s be real, those signs are just a formality. There’s an uncomfortable truth that no one wants to say out loud: no one ever collects the rewards.

We all know the truth. Little Fifi didn’t “wander” off and accidentally end up living with another family down the street. She didn’t get lost in the next cul-de-sac over and made camp under someone’s deck. No. Fifi made the unfortunate mistake of starring in her own episode of Predators of the Wetlands and ended up as the main course at the local wildlife café, an appetizer for the ecosystem. She’s a cautionary tale written in talon marks.

My neighborhood borders a wetlands reserve and is a bustling hub for all sorts of magnificent wildlife. We have the usual suspects — rabbits, deer, skunk, the occasional Canada Goose and a few raccoons with highly suspicious résumés. But we also have the hardened carnivores and they are not shy. These guys don’t knock on your door looking for a cup of sugar. They’re here for the meat selection.

The foxes and coyotes are our four-legged patrols, always on the lookout for an easy meal. The skies, however, are where the real danger lies. No fence will restrict approach from above. Cats and small dogs are on the menu and if you’re not careful, your furry friend might become an unwitting participant in the local food chain.

Hawks, the silent ninjas of the skies, can pick off a rabbit without breaking a sweat. Coyotes run coordinated raids like a well-trained special ops team. And raccoons? Let’s just say they have no moral objections to stealing lunch. Yours, mine or the neighbor’s. They’re the ultimate opportunistic diners, feasting on whatever crosses their path. The eagles are strategic hunters. If you’re not paying attention to what’s happening above you, whether you’re on the ground or in a tree, well, you might just be the special of the day. The wetlands is an all-you-can-eat buffet and your pets are sometimes the main course.

Now, some folks like to comfort themselves by thinking their cat or small dog is “too big” to be carried away by a hawk. Maybe so. But let’s be clear: carry-away size is not the only criterion for ending up on the menu. Even a predator that can’t fly off or run off with your pet can still take a sit-down meal right there on the spot.

Living in this beautiful, wild place requires a certain level of vigilance. While the natural world is a wonder to behold, it’s important to remember that it doesn’t operate on suburban rules. So, how do you keep pets — and let’s be honest, small children — safe in this neighborhood? It’s simple: be smart, be vigilant and remember that you’re living in their backyard. They were here first.

To ensure your smallest family members don’t become part of the food chain, a few simple precautions are in order:

  • Supervise Outdoor Time: Never leave a small pet or child unattended in the yard. It only takes a second for a predator to make its move.
  • Keep Pets on a Leash: Even in your own yard, a leash can be the difference between a safe walk and a frantic dash for safety.
  • Be Aware of Your Surroundings: Get in the habit of scanning the trees and the skies. If you see a large raptor circling overhead, it’s not looking for a scenic view. It’s scouting for dinner.
  • Fence It Up: A secure, high fence can deter most ground predators, like coyotes and foxes. It won’t stop the birds, but it’s a good first line of defense.
  • Stay Informed: Know which animals are in your area and what their habits are. Knowledge is power and, in this case, it might just save you from putting up a “Lost Cat” sign.

And if that fails, keep your furry friends indoors or in secure, escape-proof steel-reinforced bunker, preferably with a bulletproof roof, surrounded by motion-activated sprinklers and maybe a moat. In short, living on the edge of a wetlands reserve means embracing the wild, but also being smart about it. So, let’s enjoy the wildlife from a safe distance and keep our pets and kids off the menu.

Out here, the circle of life isn’t just a song. It’s a takeout menu.

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Life on the Edge … of a Wetlands Reserve

Posted on 2025-08-24 by The Narrator

When people talk about a quiet, peaceful neighborhood, they usually mean low traffic, polite neighbors and the gentle hum of suburban life. I have one of those, but with a twist. Living on the edge of a wetlands reserve sounds peaceful and idyllic and it is, in that “National Geographic meets suburban living” kind of way. My street is blissfully quiet, mostly because there’s little automobile traffic due to it being the “edge of civilization”.

On the other hand, my backyard is like Grand Central Station for wildlife. I’m not complaining, though. It’s like having my own personal nature documentary playing out in my yard. My street’s unofficial Neighborhood Watch includes a hawk, a fox and at least one raccoon with questionable morals.

Like everyone, I have squirrels in the backyard. You know, those little furry daredevils who think the bird feeder is an obstacle course built just for them. I’m positive they’ve unionized. I’m convinced they hold strategy meetings to plan new ways to bypass the squirrel-proof bird feeder. (Spoiler: “squirrel-proof” is just marketing code for “squirrels will take this as a personal challenge”.)

The supporting cast out here gets a bit more dramatic. Some mornings I glance out the window to see a hawk perching on my fence post, scanning the neighborhood for scurrying snacks. A bald eagle flies overhead once in a while too, just to remind everyone who’s the top dog — well, top bird — around here. It’s beautiful, impressive and a stark reminder that the food chain is very much an active outdoor dining experience.

The four-legged crowd is a whole other story. Rabbits hop through like they’re late for a tea party. They’re basically our furry lawnmowers. The raccoons are the night shift, conducting their secret business under the cover of darkness. They come in wearing their little bandit masks, rummaging through my trash like they’re looking for clues. The fox is smooth, charming and clearly up to something. We’re still trying to figure out the plan. The skunks? They make their grand entrance with zero warning and leave behind a fragrant reminder that the world belongs to them. And the coyotes? They like to hold their howling jam sessions at 2 AM, because apparently that’s when their muse strikes.

Canada Geese show up in rowdy mobs, treating my lawn like it’s the dance floor at a wedding reception. They honk, they waddle, they leave “party favors” everywhere. Once in a while a deer wanders through, looking politely confused, as if to say, “Excuse me, is this the salad bar?” before giving me that “oh, sorry, wrong yard” look and trotting away. I’m pretty sure I’m being judged on my lawn care skills. Once a family of field mice tried to move in, until other animals decided the lease terms weren’t in the mice’s favor. The ensuing turf war was more of a rapid, one-sided evacuation and I haven’t seen a mouse since.

Down in the wetlands pond, there are fish and turtles, living their best aquatic lives. Thankfully, the water stays low enough that they don’t visit me personally. I like them from a distance, the way some people like their in-laws.

Living here is a little wild, literally, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. My back yard neighbors may not always be human, but they’re far more entertaining. Out here, the HOA meetings involve actual squawking, chittering and howling and the fines come in the form of Canada Goose droppings on my driveway. If nothing else, I’ve learned that life is more fun when you share your backyard with a bald eagle, a fox and about 42 squirrels. I’m grateful for the quiet and I’ve accepted that my backyard is a never-ending nature documentary.

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Ukraine’s Struggle for Independence: Why It Matters for the World’s Future

Posted on 2025-08-20 by The Narrator

The full-scale invasion of Ukraine by Russia in 2022 was a shocking event that reverberated across the globe. For many, it seemed to come out of nowhere, an act of unprovoked aggression in the 21st century. But to understand the true significance of this conflict, we must look beyond recent events and delve into a history that has bound and divided these two nations for nearly 400 years. The current struggle isn’t just a modern territorial dispute. It’s the culmination of centuries of cultural suppression, political control and Ukraine’s long, arduous fight for self-determination.

Bucha main street after Russian invasion of Ukraine by Oleksandr Ratushniak/Wikimedia Commons

Bucha main street after Russian invasion of Ukraine by Oleksandr Ratushniak/Wikimedia Commons

A Long History of Russian Domination

The story begins not with modern states, but with a medieval realm. From the 9th to the 13th centuries, much of present-day Ukraine was the heartland of Kyivan Rus’, a powerful East Slavic state. Kyiv was already a thriving metropolis when Moscow was barely a village. However, following the Mongol invasion, these lands fell under the control of other powers, leading to centuries of fragmentation.

A pivotal turning point arrived in the 17th century. The Pereyaslav Agreement of 1654 was initially an alliance between the Ukrainian Cossack Hetmanate and the Russian Tsardom against the Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth. The Cossacks viewed it as a military protectorate, but Russia saw an opportunity. Over time, this treaty became the justification for Russia’s gradual assertion of control, which was solidified in the 18th century. Under Catherine the Great, the last remnants of Ukrainian autonomy were systematically dismantled and the territory was fully integrated into the vast Russian Empire.

Decret of Hetman Bohdan Zynoviy Khmelnytsky - historical document/Wikimedia Commons.

Decret of Hetman Bohdan Zynoviy Khmelnytsky – historical document/Wikimedia Commons.

The 19th and early 20th centuries were marked by aggressive policies of Russification, which sought to suppress the Ukrainian language, literature and culture. Despite this, a vibrant intellectual and political movement continued to push for a distinct Ukrainian national identity. This push briefly succeeded after the fall of the Russian Empire in 1917, when Ukraine achieved independence as the Ukrainian People’s Republic. But this freedom was short-lived, as the country was conquered by the Bolsheviks and absorbed into the new Soviet Union.

Throughout the Soviet era, Ukraine was under Moscow’s firm control. This period included the horrific Holodomor, a man-made famine in the 1930s that killed millions of Ukrainians, and continued suppression of national identity. True, lasting independence finally came with the collapse of the Soviet Union in 1991. Since then, Ukraine has been on a path to strengthen its sovereignty and align itself with the West, a path that Russia has consistently tried to undermine, culminating in the 2014 annexation of Crimea and the full-scale invasion in 2022.

Holodomor - Starved peasants on a street in Kharkiv, 1933 - Wikimedia Commons.

Holodomor – Starved peasants on a street in Kharkiv, 1933 – Wikimedia Commons.

In short, for nearly four centuries, Ukraine has been under direct or indirect Russian domination. Its independence since 1991 marks not only a political reality, but the culmination of a centuries-long national aspiration.

 

Why Ukraine’s Independence Matters for Europe

  • Geopolitical Stability and Security

Ukraine is Europe’s frontline against Russian aggression. As a vast country between Russia and the European Union, its sovereignty creates a vital buffer. If Ukraine were to fall under Moscow’s control again, Russia’s military would sit directly on the borders of NATO members such as Poland, Romania and Slovakia. The fragile peace that Europe has enjoyed since the end of World War II would shatter.

A Russian victory would also embolden authoritarian regimes worldwide by proving that borders can be redrawn by force, treaties mean nothing and might makes right. For the world this would fundamentally destabilize the post–World War II security order built on peace, law and cooperation.

NATO North Atlantic Council Working Session - Wikimedia Commons

NATO North Atlantic Council Working Session – Wikimedia Commons

  • Economic Significance

Ukraine is the “breadbasket of Europe”. Its fertile black soil produces massive amounts of wheat, corn and sunflower oil. Disruptions caused by war would ripple across the globe, leading to food shortages in Africa, the Middle East, Asia and beyond.

Ukraine also plays a role in Europe’s energy security, serving as a key transit route for gas and oil pipelines. A weakened or occupied Ukraine would give Moscow even more leverage over Europe’s energy supplies. A silenced, occupied Ukraine would not only destabilize Europe, but shake the world economy.

Wheat fields in Ukraine - Raimond Spekking/Wikimedia Commons.

Wheat fields in Ukraine – Raimond Spekking/Wikimedia Commons.

  • Democratic Values and International Law

For Europe, Ukraine’s fight is not only about territory. It is about principles. Ukraine has chosen a path toward democracy, human rights and integration with Western institutions. Its people have repeatedly stood up for this choice, from the Orange Revolution (2004) to the Maidan protests (2013–14).

Supporting Ukraine means defending the principle that sovereign nations have the right to choose their own future. It also reinforces the global commitment to international law, territorial integrity and the rejection of conquest by force.

Most importantly, Ukraine’s fight is a fight for values. This is not just a war over land. It is a war over the principle that free people can choose their own future. Europe’s democratic project, its union built on law, human rights and mutual respect, depends on Ukraine’s survival.

Cambridge demonstration in support of Ukraine - AFirehawk/Wikimedia Commons.

Cambridge demonstration in support of Ukraine – AFirehawk/Wikimedia Commons.

Why Ukraine Matters for the United States

It is easy to ask: why should America care about a war thousands of miles away? The answer is simple: because what happens in Ukraine will shape the future of global freedom.

  • America’s Security

If Russia succeeds in conquering Ukraine, it will not stop there. Other nations once under Soviet rule — Estonia, Latvia, Lithuania — would be next. Unlike Ukraine, those countries are NATO members. That means American soldiers could be drawn into a direct war with Russia. Supporting Ukraine now is not charity. It is prevention.

  • America’s Economy

War in Europe will send shockwaves through global energy and food markets. Gas prices will rise, inflation will spike, supply chains will falter. Helping Ukraine defend itself is far less costly than living with a permanently destabilized Europe.

  • America’s Values

The United States has long defined itself as a defender of liberty. If we allow a democracy to be crushed by brute force, we send a signal to every authoritarian regime from Moscow to Beijing that aggression pays. Ukraine is not only defending its own land. It is standing on the front line of the global struggle between democracy and tyranny. Fates of Taiwan, Cyprus, Guyana, Kosovo and many others can depend on Ukraine’s outcome.

Freedom and Democracy for the Ukraine - Franzisko Hauser/Wikimedia Commons.

Freedom and Democracy for the Ukraine – Franzisko Hauser/Wikimedia Commons.

The Stakes of This War

Ukraine’s story is not just about history. It is about the kind of future we all want to live in. Do we want a world where powerful nations can simply erase their neighbors? Where famine, fear and dictatorship spread unchecked? Or do we want a world where nations, large and small, have the right to determine their own destiny?

The Ukrainian people have made their choice. They have chosen freedom, even at terrible cost. In doing so, they have reminded the world of something we sometimes forget: freedom is never free. It must be defended, sometimes with words, sometimes with sacrifice and sometimes, tragically, with blood.

For Europe, for America and for the entire international order, Ukraine’s independence is not just important. It is essential. Their fight is our fight. Their freedom is tied to ours.

 

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The County Fair: Where Fun Meets First Aid

Posted on 2025-08-16 by The Narrator

Every summer the county fair rolls into town with its smell of funnel cakes, squeal of livestock and the whirl of carnival rides. And every summer my search and rescue team trades our wilderness gear for matching team t-shirts and a booth at the fair. It’s a nice change of pace. We’re there to talk to people, show off our ropes and cool gear and teach some basic preventative SAR skills (such as carrying the Ten Essentials on a hike). We like to remind folks that while they may be the reigning champ of hide-and-seek, if they stay put, we can find them a lot faster. It’s not true search and rescue, but it’s a great way to meet the community and do a little recruiting.

Back in the day, the fair was all about the kids. We’d have a steady stream of lost children or, more often, their parents, as the kids, clever little survivalists that they are, were usually smart enough to come straight to us. We could easily handle half a dozen or more separated families a day. It was our predictable fair rhythm, a fun, wholesome challenge of reuniting families.

But over the years, something has changed. Lost children are still a part of the job, but they’ve been eclipsed by something far more common: medical emergencies. Our fair draws over twenty thousand people a day and it seems they’ve become increasingly creative in finding ways to get into trouble. Now, we’re not the only medical team on site. The fire department and the local ambulance service are there too, but we still get absolutely slammed. This year, the biggest hits were cuts and scrapes, but we also saw plenty of dehydration, heat exhaustion, diabetic complications, an accidental pepper spray discharge and one episode of chest pains. I often find myself wishing for the good old days when a kid on the midway would get ditched by their parents who wanted a “private moment” in the Ferris wheel gondola.

And this year’s medical was relatively tame. We’ve seen it all in the past: anaphylaxis, gunshot wounds, livestock bites, electrocutions and even cardiac arrests. The fair, for our team, has unfortunately become an annual mass casualty rodeo.

How to Stay Safe and Out of Our Tent

While we’re happy to help, we’d much rather see you enjoy the fair without visiting our tent. To help you avoid becoming one of our “patients”, we’ve put together a list of tips. You can help us go back to the days of just finding lost parents by following a few simple rules.

  • Hydrate, Hydrate, Hydrate. This is the number one issue we see. The summer heat, combined with a lot of walking, can sneak up on you. Skip the sugary soda and grab a water bottle. And if you’re going to mix alcohol with your fair food, be extra mindful of your water intake.
  • Dress for the Weather. Grab hats, sunglasses and sunscreen for the hot days and bring along light layers for the cooler evenings.
  • Know Your Vitals. If you have a known medical condition like diabetes or a heart issue, be proactive. Take your medications, monitor yourself and don’t push your limits. The fair is not the time to prove you can handle a twelve-hour day in the sun.
  • Mixing Medications and Alcohol? Just Don’t – We’ve seen far too many emergencies start this way.
  • Leave the Livestock Alone. The petting zoo is great, but remember that even the friendliest looking animals are still wild. Respect their space, follow all posted rules and don’t assume a cute sheep won’t bite if it feels threatened.
  • Mind the Midway. Rides are fun, but if you feel dizzy or have a history of motion sickness, take it easy. We’ve seen a number of people get sick after riding Alien Abduction one time too many. Also, be aware of your surroundings, especially if you have an allergy. That deep-fried onion ring stand might use the same oil as the fried cheese and you don’t want to find that out the hard way.
  • Have a Plan. This is where our preventative SAR training comes in. If you get separated from your group, have a designated meeting spot. This simple trick can save hours of anxiety and help our team focus on the people who really need our medical expertise. And remember, make sure your four year old knows that your real names are not “mom” and “dad” and can communicate this information and, perhaps, your phone number to us.  If you fail all of this, your rendezvous plan just might become our tent.

By following these tips, you can minimize your risk of becoming a medical emergency at the fair. And if you do need help, don’t hesitate to reach out to the medical teams on hand. We’re here to help you have a safe and enjoyable time at the fair.

The county fair is supposed to be about fun, community and maybe winning a giant stuffed animal you’ll regret having to carry. With a little preparation, you can make sure your fair memories are about the rides, the games and the fried Oreos, not the EMT who had to bandage you up.

The county fair is a ton of fun and we love being a part of it, so next year come say hello to us at our booth, swap some SAR stories and enjoy the fair safely. We’d love to see you, just hopefully not surfing up the midway on our stretcher.

 

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When Humans Attack: A Cautionary Tale About Wildlife Encounters

Posted on 2025-08-09 by The Narrator

A coworker of mine recently went to Yellowstone Bear World, a private animal reserve in West Yellowstone, Montana, to hold, pet and bottle feed bear cubs.  This seems wrong on so many levels.  We often see news stories about “adults”, who should know better, getting into trouble for trying to engage a wild animal in a social situation, much as a you would a member of your target sex at a bar.  This may work well when you’re trying to pick up a date, but having the same tryst with a bear, a majestic snacking machine wrapped in fur, will not yield the results you may be after.

We’ve all seen those adorable wildlife photos on Instagram: a curious bear cub sniffing a backpack, a playful dolphin leaping alongside a boat, a squirrel perched on a bird feeder, seemingly posing for the camera. These images paint a picture of harmonious coexistence between humans and nature, but the reality can be quite different.

Let’s face it, humans can be a bit overzealous when it comes to wildlife encounters. We want that perfect selfie, that Instagram-worthy video, those bragging rights for having come face-to-face with a wild creature. And sometimes, our desire for a close encounter can backfire spectacularly, in a close encounter sort of way.

 

🦫 The Belarus Beaver Brawl

Take the unfortunate incident of the Belarusian fisherman who met his demise at the teeth of a beaver. Instead of admiring the majestic rodent from a safe distance like a sane person, he decided he needed a photo with it, in his arms. The beaver disagreed. One bite later, a femoral artery was opened and, tragically, the man died, the only documented human death attributed to a beaver. Beavers aren’t exactly known for their cuddly dispositions. They generally keep to themselves, unless being hugged by an enthusiastic tourist.

Sadly, this is not an isolated incident, it’s just the tip of the iceberg. Humans have a long and illustrious history of pushing their luck with wildlife, often with hilarious (and usually painful) consequences:

 

🦬 Yellowstone’s Annual Bison Toss

Every year, the bison in Yellowstone National Park star in a reality show called “Tourists Gone Wild”. There was the woman who tried to pet a bison. The guy who posed next to one. The child whose parents encouraged him to get “just a little closer”. And then there was the guy who thought it’d be hilarious to high-five a bison at Yellowstone National Park. The result? People getting flipped into the air like rag dolls at a rodeo.

🐻 Bear with Me, This Won’t End Well

Let’s talk about the man who tried to feed a bear a sandwich. Yes, an actual, full-grown man offered a large black bear a peanut butter sandwich from the confines of his tent. The bear, being a bear, accepted the sandwich. Then it decided it also wanted the sleeping bag, the cooler and possibly the man’s foot.  A hiker, attempting to show off his “connection with nature”, tried to give a bear a hug. The bear, understandably, did not comprehend this display of affection, but responded in kind, anyway. Then there’s the couple who posed for a photo with a bear in Romania, only to realize too late that the bear wasn’t exactly thrilled about the photo shoot. They narrowly escaped with their lives, but not before the bear swiped at them.  Keep in mind, a swing and a miss is considered assault.  A swing and a hit is considered battery.  Shockingly, the bear was blamed for being the villain.

🐊 The Alligator Wrestler

A Florida man, convinced of his “man vs. nature” prowess, decided to imitate Crocodile Dundee and wrestle an alligator.  The odds were with the alligator that day.  And then there was the Florida man who simply tried to pet a wild alligator. That’s not the same as just attempting to pin it down, right? Because reaching out to touch a huge reptile with razor-sharp teeth and a bone crushing bite is basically the same as petting a kitten. He learned the hard way that alligators don’t do snuggles. Alligators don’t hate humans. They just think of us the way we might think of a chicken nugget that wandered into our kitchen — unexpected, slightly confusing, but ultimately kind of tasty.

🐘 The Elephant Who Had Enough

Somewhere in Asia, a man thought it would be fun to get out of his safari vehicle and slap an elephant on the rear for his TikTok feed. Now, elephants are generally patient creatures, but given a potential proctology exam, this one voiced a protest. The man was promptly chased, caught and tossed into a bush like an empty soda can.

So, Why Do We Keep Doing This?

Because humans, bless our Instagram-loving hearts, often mistake wild animals for Disney characters.  We forget that:

  • Beavers are not stuffed toys.
  • Bison aren’t just furry cows.
  • Bears recognize us at the weirdest, noisiest trail mix that ever lived.
  • Alligators don’t really care that we’re not shaped like fish.
  • Elephants probably view us the same way that we would view an overly caffeinated squirrel, wearing clothes.

And ultimately, nature doesn’t care how many likes you’ll get on your posts.  Mother Nature truly doesn’t care if yet another monkey, in a loud Hawaiian shirt, loses a limb.  Or four.

 

A Few Rules for the Wild (That Shouldn’t Need Saying)

  • If it has claws, horns, fangs or an attitude — admire from afar.
  • Selfies are not worth stitches, unless you’re trying to get a selfie of stitches.
  • Feeding wild animals teaches them that humans are a source of snacks and not in a good way.
  • Wild animals are not your friends. They have not seen your YouTube channel. They don’t care about your social influencer status.

 

A Few Words of Wisdom

These are just a few – a few too many – examples of humans getting a little too close for comfort with our wild neighbors. It’s important to remember that wildlife are wild animals. They are not domesticated pets and they should be treated with respect and caution.

So, the next time you encounter a wild animal, at the lake, in the woods or just at a wildlife sanctuary, remember to keep your distance, put down the camera and resist the urge to become an impromptu wildlife rehabilitator. Your safety and the well-being of the animal will thank you for it.

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Unpacking the Sweet Truth: Are Artificial Sweeteners Really Safe?

Posted on 2025-07-29 by The Narrator
Coca-Cola Zero by Jorge Barrios/Wikimedia Commons.

Coca-Cola Zero by Jorge Barrios/Wikimedia Commons.

I wrote a couple of days ago about the hype of replacing high-fructose corn syrup with cane sugar and what it really means to our bodies.  A natural extension of that article is considering the use of artificial sweeteners.  The natural reaction, if you can’t use option A safely, is to go all in on option B, but is this really the right choice?

In our quest for healthier lifestyles and reduced sugar intake, artificial sweeteners (also known as non-sugar sweeteners or NSS) have become ubiquitous. From diet sodas to sugar-free yogurts, these calorie-free or low-calorie alternatives promise sweetness without the guilt, but as their presence in our diets grows, so do questions about their safety. Are they truly harmless, or are there hidden risks?

Let’s delve into the science behind some of the most common artificial sweeteners and what health authorities and ongoing research say about them.

 

Aspartame: The Controversial Classic

Aspartame is one of the most widely recognized artificial sweeteners, found in thousands of products.

  • Regulatory Consensus: The U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA), European Food Safety Authority (EFSA) and Health Canada consistently affirm that aspartame is safe for the general population when used within its established Acceptable Daily Intake (ADI). The FDA’s ADI is 50 milligrams per kilogram of body weight per day (50 mg/kg/day), while EFSA and Health Canada set it at 40 mg/kg/day.
  • The Cancer Debate: In July 2023, the International Agency for Research on Cancer (IARC), a specialized cancer agency of the World Health Organization (WHO), classified aspartame as “possibly carcinogenic to humans”, placing it in Group 2B. This classification was based on “limited evidence” from human and animal studies. It’s crucial to understand that IARC identifies hazards (what can cause cancer), not risk (the likelihood of cancer at typical exposure).
  • Risk Assessment vs. Hazard Identification: Simultaneously, the Joint FAO/WHO Expert Committee on Food Additives (JECFA), which assesses the risk of food additives, reaffirmed the existing ADI of 0 to 40 mg/kg/day for aspartame. JECFA concluded that the evidence linking aspartame consumption to cancer in humans is “not convincing” at current levels of use.
  • Practical ADI: To exceed the JECFA/EFSA ADI of 40 mg/kg/day, an adult weighing 70 kilograms (approximately 154 pounds) would need to consume more than 9 to 14 cans of diet soft drink daily (assuming 200-300 mg of aspartame per can), without other aspartame sources. This demonstrates that typical consumption is well within safe limits.
  • Other Considerations: Aspartame breaks down into amino acids (phenylalanine and aspartic acid) and a small amount of methanol. It is not safe for individuals with phenylketonuria (PKU), a rare genetic disorder, due to their inability to metabolize phenylalanine. Some anecdotal reports and limited studies have explored potential links to headaches, dizziness or mood changes, but these findings are inconsistent and not definitively proven at typical consumption levels.

 

Sucralose: The Heat-Stable Sweetener

Sucralose, widely known as Splenda, is another popular artificial sweetener.

  • Regulatory Consensus: The FDA, EFSA and JECFA all approve sucralose as safe for the general population, including children and individuals with diabetes, when used under approved conditions. The established ADI is 5 mg per kilogram of body weight per day (5 mg/kg/day).
  • Heating and Baking Concerns: While sucralose is often marketed as heat-stable, some research suggests that at high temperatures (e.g., above 120°C or 250°F), it can break down and react with other ingredients to form potentially harmful chlorinated compounds. This area requires more definitive research.
  • Gut Microbiome: Studies on sucralose’s impact on the gut microbiome have yielded mixed results. Some animal and preliminary human studies suggest potential negative effects on beneficial gut bacteria at high doses or long-term consumption, while short-term human studies often show no significant impact.
  • Blood Sugar and Insulin: Generally, sucralose is considered to have minimal direct impact on blood sugar and insulin levels. However, some studies, particularly in individuals with obesity who are not accustomed to artificial sweeteners, have observed increases in blood sugar and insulin after sucralose consumption.
  • WHO Guidance: The WHO’s broader guidance in May 2023 discouraged the long-term use of non-sugar sweeteners for weight control, citing insufficient evidence of benefit and potential associations with increased risk of type 2 diabetes and cardiovascular diseases. This applies to sucralose as well.

 

Acesulfame Potassium (Ace-K): The Often-Paired Sweetener

Acesulfame K is frequently combined with other sweeteners to achieve a more sugar-like taste.

  • Regulatory Consensus: The FDA, EFSA, Health Canada and JECFA all deem Acesulfame K safe. The FDA and JECFA set the ADI at 15 mg/kg/day, while EFSA’s ADI is 9 mg/kg/day. To exceed the FDA’s ADI, a person weighing 150 pounds (68 kg) would need to consume more than 26 individual tabletop sweetener packets daily over their lifetime.
  • Cancer Risk: Early studies in the 1970s raised concerns about Acesulfame K’s potential carcinogenicity, but subsequent, more robust research has not consistently supported these findings in humans. While some recent observational studies have shown a slight association with overall cancer risk, these findings are not conclusive and do not prove causation.
  • Gut Microbiome and Metabolic Effects: Some animal studies suggest that Acesulfame K might alter gut flora and could be linked to weight gain and inflammation. However, human data is limited and the overall impact on blood sugar and insulin is generally considered minimal, though it’s part of the broader discussion on NSS and type 2 diabetes risk.

 

Saccharin: The Sweetener with a Past

Saccharin is one of the oldest artificial sweeteners, known for its distinct taste and controversial history.

  • Cancer Controversy Resolved: In the 1970s, studies linked high doses of saccharin to bladder cancer in rats. This led to warning labels. However, later research revealed that the mechanism of cancer development in rats was not relevant to humans. Consequently, saccharin was removed from carcinogen lists by the U.S. National Toxicology Program in 2000.
  • Current Safety: The FDA, WHO/JECFA and EFSA now consider saccharin safe for use as a food additive. The ADI is 5 mg/kg/day. An adult weighing 154 pounds (70 kg) could safely consume up to 350 mg of saccharin daily, far exceeding typical intake.
  • Gut Microbiome: Similar to other NSS, some studies have explored saccharin’s potential to disrupt the gut microbiome, but overall evidence is mixed and inconclusive.
  • Other Side Effects: Saccharin can sometimes leave a metallic or bitter aftertaste. Very high doses might lead to mild gastrointestinal issues.

 

Stevia: The “Natural” Sweetener

Stevia is often perceived as a healthier alternative because it’s derived from a plant.

  • Approved Form: It’s crucial to differentiate: only highly purified steviol glycosides (the sweet compounds extracted from the stevia leaf) are approved by major regulatory bodies like the FDA, JECFA, EFSA and Health Canada. Whole-leaf stevia or crude extracts are not approved due to insufficient safety data.
  • ADI: The ADI for steviol equivalents is generally 4 mg/kg/day, a generous amount that is difficult to exceed through normal consumption.
  • Gut Microbiome: Research on stevia’s impact on the gut microbiome is mixed. Some studies suggest potential benefits or no harm, while others raise questions, indicating a need for more human research.
  • Blood Sugar and Insulin: Stevia itself does not raise blood sugar or insulin levels, making it a popular choice for individuals managing diabetes.
  • Potential Benefits: Preliminary research suggests stevia may have antioxidant and anti-inflammatory properties and some studies explore its potential benefits for blood pressure and kidney health. These areas require further robust human trials.
  • Digestive Issues: While generally well-tolerated, some stevia products may contain added sugar alcohols (like erythritol) that can cause digestive discomfort in sensitive individuals if consumed in large amounts.

 

Sorbitol: The Sugar Alcohol

Sorbitol is a polyol, a type of carbohydrate that is not fully absorbed by the body.

  • Regulatory Consensus: The FDA recognizes sorbitol as “Generally Recognized As Safe” (GRAS). JECFA has given it an “acceptable daily intake (ADI) of ‘not specified’,” which is the safest category, indicating no health hazard at levels necessary for its intended use.
  • Primary Side Effect: Digestive Issues: This is the most notable aspect of sorbitol. Because it’s incompletely absorbed, large amounts reaching the large intestine can be fermented by gut bacteria, leading to gas bloating, and a laxative effect. Foods containing significant amounts of polyols like sorbitol are often required to carry a warning about potential laxative effects.
  • Blood Sugar and Insulin: Sorbitol has a low glycemic index and a minimal impact on blood sugar levels, making it suitable for people with diabetes.
  • Dental Health: It is non-cariogenic (read this word carefully – it is not “carcinogenic”), meaning it does not promote tooth decay.
  • Other Considerations: Sorbitol is found naturally in some fruits. While generally safe, its primary limitation is the potential for gastrointestinal discomfort with higher consumption. Unlike some other artificial sweeteners, direct links to inflammation, cancer risk or hormone disruption are not primary concerns for sorbitol itself, though the broader category of sugar alcohols is continually studied.

The Sweet Conclusion: Moderation is Key

Artificial sweeteners, when consumed within recommended limits, are considered safe by all major health authorities worldwide. The scary headlines you see are often based on animal studies using unrealistically high doses or misinterpretations of risk classifications.

That said, no sweetener — artificial or natural — is a free pass for unlimited consumption. Artificial sweeteners may help with calorie reduction and blood sugar control, but they can also reinforce a preference for sweet flavors and lead to overconsumption of other high-calorie foods.

The scientific landscape surrounding artificial sweeteners is complex and constantly evolving. While regulatory bodies generally affirm their safety within established ADIs, ongoing research continues to explore potential long-term effects, particularly concerning the gut microbiome, metabolic health and the impact of high consumption.

For most people, consuming these sweeteners in moderation, as part of a balanced diet, is considered safe. However, they are not a magic bullet for health. They offer sweetness without calories, but they don’t provide the essential nutrients found in whole foods.

If you enjoy them occasionally, you’re fine. But if you’re downing a dozen diet sodas every day, it might be time to reassess, not because of cancer, but because it probably isn’t the healthiest habit overall.

The overarching message from health experts remains consistent: focus on reducing your overall intake of added sugars, whether from cane sugar, high-fructose corn syrup or artificial sweeteners. Opt for water and embrace the natural sweetness of fruits and vegetables. Making these smart choices will benefit your body far more in the long run than debating the nuanced differences between various sweeteners.

 

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Sweet Deception? Unpacking Coca-Cola’s Switch from HFCS to Cane Sugar

Posted on 2025-07-27 by The Narrator

There’s been a noticeable buzz in the media recently about Coca-Cola’s decision to sweeten some of its drinks with cane sugar instead of high-fructose corn syrup (HFCS). For many health-conscious consumers, this move feels like a positive step, a return to “natural” ingredients and a win in the ongoing debate about what we put into our bodies. But is this change truly as significant as it seems? Let’s dive into the nutritional science to understand the real difference.

Cane Sugar vs. High Fructose Corn Syrup: A Tale of Two Sweeteners

At first glance, the two sweeteners appear quite distinct.

  • Cane Sugar, chemically known as sucrose, is a disaccharide. This means it’s composed of two simpler sugar molecules – 50% glucose and 50% fructose – chemically bonded together, typically derived from sugarcane or sugar beets.
  • High Fructose Corn Syrup (HFCS), often referred to as isoglucose, is a liquid sweetener made from corn starch. The most common form used in beverages, HFCS 55, consists of approximately 55% fructose and 45% glucose. Unlike sucrose, the glucose and fructose in HFCS are not chemically bonded. They exist as free monosaccharides.
glucose (left) and fructose (right)

glucose (left) and fructose (right)

How Our Bodies Process Sweeteners

The minor structural difference between sucrose and HFCS leads to slightly different initial processing in the body, though the end result is largely similar.

When you consume cane sugar (sucrose), enzymes in your digestive system quickly break the bond, splitting it into its constituent glucose and fructose molecules. These then enter your bloodstream.

With HFCS, since the glucose and fructose are already separate, they don’t require this initial enzymatic breakdown. However, for all practical purposes, this difference in initial processing speed is often considered negligible in terms of overall absorption and metabolic impact in the grand scheme of digestion.

Once absorbed:

  • Glucose is the body’s preferred energy source. It enters the bloodstream directly and is transported to cells with the help of insulin, where it’s used for immediate energy or stored as glycogen.
  • Fructose is primarily metabolized in the liver. While some fructose can be used for energy, excess fructose, especially when consumed rapidly and in large quantities, can be converted into fat through a process called lipogenesis. This is why diets consistently high in fructose are linked to an increased risk of fatty liver disease and other metabolic issues.

Both glucose and fructose contribute to raising blood sugar levels. While glucose causes a more direct and rapid increase in blood sugar, the fructose component from either sweetener can contribute to metabolic stress, particularly on the liver, and potentially lead to insulin resistance over time if consumed in excess.

 

The Calorie Conundrum: Empty Calories

From a caloric perspective, both glucose and fructose provide roughly four calories per gram, which is standard for carbohydrates. For comparison, proteins also provide about four calories per gram, while fats are more calorie-dense at nine calories per gram.

The real problem with these sugars isn’t necessarily their caloric density compared to other macronutrients, but rather their lack of nutritional value. They are often referred to as “empty calories” because they provide energy without offering essential vitamins, minerals or fiber. It’s just a spoonful of calories, with no added benefit for your body’s vital functions.

The Bottom Line: Quantity Over Source

For all practical purposes, your body treats the glucose and fructose from cane sugar and HFCS very similarly once they are absorbed. Excess consumption of either can contribute to a range of health risks, including:

  • Weight gain and obesity: Consuming excess calories from added sugars can lead to weight gain.
  • Insulin resistance and Type 2 diabetes: Regularly consuming high amounts of added sugars can increase the risk of developing insulin resistance.
  • Cardiovascular risks: High sugar intake is linked to increased triglyceride levels and cardiovascular disease risk.
  • Fatty liver disease: Excessive fructose consumption can lead to fat accumulation in the liver.
  • Tooth decay: Both sweeteners provide fuel for bacteria in the mouth, contributing to tooth decay.

The argument that HFCS might be “worse” often stems from its prevalence in highly palatable, processed beverages that people tend to consume in large quantities without feeling satiated. This ease of overconsumption, rather than a fundamental difference in how the body processes the sugar molecules themselves, is what has made HFCS a target for health concerns. If there’s an argument that HFCS is “worse”, it’s mostly contextual: it’s cheaper and more prevalent in processed foods and drinks, which means people consume more of it.

Ultimately, Coca-Cola’s shift in sweetener is likely much ado about nothing from a health perspective. The core issue isn’t whether the sugar comes from a cane or a cornfield, but the sheer volume of added sugars in our diets. Both cane sugar and high-fructose corn syrup are added sugars with no inherent nutritional benefit. The small difference in their glucose-fructose ratio is generally not considered nutritionally significant when evaluating overall dietary impact.

So, when you see those bold advertising signs for Coke made with cane sugar, most likely at a premium price, remember the fundamental truth about added sugars. Instead of debating the merits of one “empty calorie” source over another, consider making the truly smart choice for your long-term health: pass on the spoonfuls of sugar and grab a bottle of water. While an occasional soft drink indulgence won’t ruin your health, making water your go-to beverage is one of the simplest, most impactful changes you can make for long-term wellness. So, skip the hype and maybe skip the soda. Your future self will thank you.

Glucose vs fructose infographic.

Glucose vs fructose infographic.

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AAA and the Afterlife

Posted on 2025-07-20 by The Narrator

I’ve been a loyal customer of AAA since dinosaurs roamed the Earth, or at least since I got my driver’s license, which some days feels like the same thing. Over the years, they’ve pulled me out of more jams than you find in a jar of Smucker’s: flat tires that materialized out of thin air, dead batteries that decided to stage a silent protest, phantom fuel gauges (it said I had 30 miles left…) and the occasional “my car just doesn’t feel like existing today” moments. I lost a fuel pump in the middle of a rescue mission once.

Seriously, the AAA roadside techs are modern-day knights, only instead of armor and horses, they rock steel-toe boots and arrive in trucks with more tools than Batman’s utility belt. I’m always grateful when one shows up, like a beacon of hope, to rescue me from whatever vehicular nonsense I’ve gotten myself into. Seriously, you guys are the best at what you do.

But then there’s the other side of AAA. The side that apparently believes my life is an endless, gaping void of unmet consumer needs, just waiting to be filled by whatever product rolls off their perpetually moving conveyor belt of offers. For all the noble rescuing, AAA also has this slightly clingy ex-girlfriend energy when it comes to selling me things I don’t want.

Out-of-season tires?
No thanks, unless I suddenly decide to rally race in February.

An oil change?
I have a guy for that. He smells like motor grease and coffee, but I trust him with my engine and the secrets I hide in my center console storage compartment.

Artisanal cheeses?
Is my car breaking down a sign that my charcuterie board is lacking? I’m picturing a tow truck pulling up and instead of jumper cables, the guy’s got a wedge of aged gouda. “Here, sir, for your troubles. Pairs wonderfully with a dead battery.” Seriously, will a wedge of brie fix a busted radiator?

Car insurance. Home insurance. Pet psychic recommendations. I mean, at this point I wouldn’t be surprised if AAA offered me a subscription box called “Surprise Junk Trunk” for just $29.95 a month.

But this week… This week was special.  Nothing prepared me for this call. AAA called me, ever so thoughtful, to offer me life insurance.

Cue the ominous music.

Now, I’m not naive. I know life insurance is a real product that real people need. I also do search and rescue, so trust me when I say I’ve seen some weird stuff. Yes, weird, bad, totally-random-stuff happens. I’ve seen it all. If it were fiction, Stephen King would say, “Dial it back a bit.”

But it was the way they pitched it that got me.

The agent hit me with:
“You can try it free for 30 days, and if you like it, we’ll keep you in the program and bill you.”

Seriously? My brain did a full 360-degree spin, then backflipped into a philosophical abyss. I didn’t even need to think. The words just came out without considering the full ramifications of test-driving life insurance. With the most innocent tone I could muster, I asked:
“How would I know I like it? Without actually trying it, I mean?”

A long pause. A pause so long, I could hear the artisanal cheese aging in the background.
“Uh… what?”  I clearly threw him off his script.

Did I really have to explain this? “Like, how do I know I’m satisfied with your product unless I, you know, die and see how it goes?”

Another, even longer, more profound pause. I could hear the hamster wheel spinning in his head, probably squeaking under pressure, chasing that distant wedge of cheese.

“That’s not … how we mean it…” he finally managed, his voice a little strained.

Oh, but sure you do, buddy. If you’re offering me a “try before you buy” on a product whose core utility is only realized post-mortem, then yes, that’s exactly how you mean it. You’re giving me a trial period and the only way to experience the product is to kick the bucket. That doesn’t seem like a great selling point.

“Otherwise,” I continued helpfully, “you’re just offering me a free month on a 30-year commitment that only someone else gets to review. It’s not like Netflix where I can cancel after episode one.”

“So… can I sign you up?” You have to admire the tenacity. Did he just skip to the bottom of his script?

I passed. Respectfully. Some things, you just don’t want to “try out” to see if they’re a good fit.

If AAA wants to give me a free month of emergency pepper jack, I’m all in. I’ll give that a whirl. I’ll road test their cheeses for a month any day. But life insurance? Not something I’m interested in test-driving for obvious reasons.

I love AAA when my engine dies.  I’m less enthused when I have to die to make use of their latest offer.

Let’s stick to jumpstarts and spare tires, guys. And maybe, just maybe, a bonus wedge of cheddar on those more complicated rescues.

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