Tim and Buck Went Hunting in Timbuktu, Found Some Adventure and a Story or Two

Following last week’s introduction, let’s explore a grander tale of our two rednecks meeting some gals in the wilderness.

Me and Tim Went Huntin’

Me and Tim went huntin’ bold,
Out where nights get dark and cold.
Packed some jerky, gear and brew,
Set our sights on Timbuktu.

Not the town, but that ol’ bluff,
Where critters roam and trails get rough.
We hiked all day through brush and pine,
Till we saw that campfire give us shine.

There they sat, three gals just smilin’,
Sippin’ whiskey, sweet and stylin’.
One said, “Boys, y’all look beat!
Come warm up and take a seat!”

Well, Tim near tripped on his own boot,
Tryin’ to play it calm and cute.
I just tipped my camo hat,
Said, “Ladies, we can drink to that.”

They poured the shine, we passed the jar,
They laughed like banjos at a bar.
They sang and danced, their boots went thump,
That pop-up tent began to jump.

One gal, Mae, had eyes like fire,
And lips that’d spark a man’s desire.
Tim and Sue snuck off to chat,
While Belle said, “Boy, let’s chew the fat.”

We joked and flirted under stars,
That campsite felt like Venus and Mars.
And when the moon was hangin’ low,
Well… what happened next, we’ll never know.

‘Cause come sunrise, they were gone,
Left a note on Tim’s long johns:
“Thanks for the laughs and all the fun,
Next time, bring three fellas, hun!”

So now we joke ‘round every brew,
‘Bout that wild night on Timbuktu.
It ain’t a place upon no map,
It’s where rednecks fall in love… and nap.

We can do this in the timeless style of Tom Lehrer, as well, to be sung at a slightly manic piano tempo, with Lehrer’s trademark satirical flair:

The Timbuktu Tango

(A jaunty piano intro, reminiscent of “Poisoning Pigeons in the Park”)

Me and Tim, we’re huntin’ chaps,
Set out where wilderness overlaps.
With jerky, brew and camo bright,
We sought adventure in the fading light.
Not Timbuktu, that distant shore,
But Timbuktu Bluff, and nothin’ more.
Where critters creep and trails confound,
And manly fortitude is always found.

(A slightly faster tempo, with a hint of a tango rhythm)

We trekked all day through tangled wood,
When lo! A campfire, understood
To signify a welcome warm,
And shelter from the comin’ storm.
Three ladies there, with smiles so wide,
And whiskey, where no good can hide.
“Come, boys,” one purred, with eyes so keen,
“And join our bacchanalian scene!”

(A brief musical interlude, with a slightly off-key accordion)

Poor Tim, he stammered, turned quite red,
And nearly tripped, the clumsy head.
I merely tipped my hat so green,
“A drink, fair maids, would be a bless-ed scene.”
They poured the stuff, a fiery brew,
And laughed like hyenas, it is true.
They danced and sang, a wild display,
The tent, it shook in disarray.

(The music becomes slightly more suggestive, a hint of a tango)

One, Mae, with eyes like burnin’ coal,
Could set a man’s entire heart a-roll.
And Tim and Sue, they wandered off,
While Belle and I engaged in witty scoff.
We joked and flirted, ‘neath the stars,
That campsite felt like Venus and Mars.
And when the moon hung in the trees…
Well, what transpired, if you please,

(A dramatic pause, followed by a return to the jaunty piano)

We’ll never tell, for come the dawn,
Those sirens three, they all were gone.
A note they left, upon Tim’s drawers,
“Next time, bring one more, without no flaws!”
So now we jest, with every beer,
Of that strange night, so wild and queer.
That Timbuktu, it’s not on maps,
It’s where rednecks fall in love… and perhaps take naps.

Of course, Tom Lehrer, while hip in his time, is a bit dated, so let’s fast forward to the rad days of Weird Al Yankovic and see what he could do with this piece.

Timbuktu (Where the Rednecks Rendezvous)

(Starts with a goofy banjo riff and a sudden “Yee-haw!”)

Me and Tim, we went huntin’ BOLD!
Where the nighttime air gets frightenin’ COLD!
Packed some jerky (mostly stale!),
And some gear we got on clearance sale!
Plus a six-pack of that “Mountain Dew” brew,
Set our GPS for… well, Timbuktu!
Not the fancy town with the sand so fine,
But that ol’ bluff, where the squirrels whine!

(Tempo picks up, a slightly polka-ish feel)

We hiked all day through the scratchy brush,
Steppin’ on things that made a squishy “shush!”
Past the grumpy pines, all pokey and tall,
‘Til we saw that campfire, answerin’ our call!
And who was there? Three gals just a-SMILIN’!
Lookin’ like they’d just won a pie-eatin’ trial-in’!
Sippin’ on somethin’ that smelled like old socks,
One said, “Hey boys, yer lookin’ like worn-out clocks!”

(A quick, slightly off-key harmonica solo)

“Y’all look beat! Come ‘ere an’ warm up your… feet!”
(We checked our feet, they weren’t lookin’ too sweet!)
Well, poor ol’ Tim near tripped on his own BIG boot!
Tryin’ to act all suave and lookin’ darn cute!
I just tipped my camo hat, all greasy and worn,
Said, “Ladies, that offer? It’s practically BORN
For fellas like us!” (Who hadn’t showered in days!)
“We can drink to that!” in a bewildered daze!

(The music gets a bit faster, more like a polka gone slightly wrong)

They poured the shine, we passed the JAR!
They laughed like banjos that were missin’ a BAR!
They sang and danced, their boots went THUMP!
That pop-up tent looked like it was gonna JUMP!
One gal, Mae, had eyes like a raccoon in a bin!
And lips that’d spark a man’s desire… for a nap within!

(A short, spoken interlude with a dramatic whisper)

Tim and Sue? They snuck off to… “chat”!
(Probably talkin’ ‘bout the best place to swat!)
While Belle said, “Boy, let’s chew the FAT!”
(Mostly ‘bout the price of a brand-new welcome mat!)
We joked and flirted ‘neath the twinklin’ STARS!
That campsite felt like… Venus and MARS!
(Or maybe just a field with a lot of old cars!)

(The tempo slows down, a dramatic, questioning tone)

And when the moon was hangin’ LOW…
Well… what happened next? We’ll NEVER KNOW!
(‘Cause we both fell asleep from the fumes, probably!)
‘Cause come sunrise, they were gone, you see!
Left a note on Tim’s long johns, smelled like old debris.

(Sung in a high, squeaky voice)

“Thanks for the laughs and all the FUN!
Next time, bring a third fella, HUN!”

(Returns to the slightly off-key polka)

So now we joke ‘round every BREW!
‘Bout that wild night on… TIMBUKTU!
It ain’t a place upon no MAP!
It’s where rednecks fall in love… and take a long NAP!

(Ends with a final, exaggerated banjo strum and a silly giggle.)

Come back next week.  There’ll be more to tell.  There’s always a sequel.